The 3rd Roast of Christmas: Caleb Ramsey

When you think of the phrase 'Lady's Man,' you might instantly jump to men like George Clooney, the Old Spice Guy, Ca$hlock, John Stamos, Joey from Friends... the list goes on and on. But when I hear the phrase 'Lady's Man,' only one name comes to my mind, and that is the one and only Caleb Ramsey. You may haven't heard of the guy. He rarely leaves his room these days, even when old friends come to hang out. But regardless of whether or not you've heard of this hunk of filet mignon, I assure you that no body pulls tail like Mr. Ramsey. If you don't believe me, Bailey Blackburn can tell you one or two... or three or four or five stories. Caleb basically ran England back in those days, but it wouldn't be until he left to conquer Ireland where his legend grew to unbelievable heights.

In a tiny little pub in Ireland, Caleb was just hanging out and havin' a good time. The music started to pick up a little bit, and it was obvious that now was the time for dancing. As a young, single man often does, Caleb was on the hunt that night. Little did he know that he would be landing a cougar. Yes, you heard correctly, a slightly dumpy, at least 40 year old woman, who probably had five children back at home. It was a low point in his epic career of action. But sometimes you have to pay the price for such dashing good looks and irresistible charm. With great power sometimes comes with a huge lapse in judgment.

Now this story alone was pretty bad, and Caleb thought that he had hit rock bottom. I definitely thought that he had hit rock bottom. Seriously, it was bad. But a few weeks later, Mr. Suave himself landed himself a ticket to watch some soccer team in Manchester play... the name escapes me. Fortunately for myself, I wasn't there, so I don't have this evening scarred into my brain forever. Caleb enjoyed the game immensely, and again decided that a night at the pubs was in order. Nothing wrong with a little celebration right?? The civilians of Manchester were certainly in a good mood, and Caleb was a bit taken aback by the sheer politeness of some of the guys he was hanging out with. I mean, they really liked him! Caleb was used to being popular, but this! He didn't have to buy a single thing that night. Everything was on his new found buds. Just when he thought his luck couldn't get any better, a few things started to seem a little off... Was it possible? No... surely not...uh oh...

Yep. Turns out all those friendly high fives and back rubs and lord know what else were sneaky attempts at seduction. Caleb walked right into the gay section of Manchester, and was just as successful with the men as he is with the women. Luckily he escaped without any regretful actions, but when I heard the story, I had to hand it to the guy... He can literally pull WHOEVER he wants.

Unfortunately Caleb was unavailable for comment. Between his girlfriend and literally nothing else, he couldn't spare a single minute. But I don't want Keslie to feel threatened by all of the humanity that wants a piece of this Colorado man. If anything Keslie, you should feel extremely confident about the future. Even when your a 40-year old cougar, he's still going to be ALL over you.

The 2nd Roast of Christmas: Amy "Keepin' it FrEsh" Robbins

What's up with it Lene-Town! The second roast is in, so let me see ya put ya handdddds up! Aight aight aight you already know, you already know how I do. Tonight we have the flyest thing to eva come outta East Texas, straight from Clutch City itself. It's H-Town's one and only AAAAAMMMMYYYY Robbbbiiinnnnssss!

Das right, we got the freshest thing on the market right here live in the 12 Roasts of Christmas, so I think it be only appropriate if we got a little background on Amy Robbins. Before Nikki Manaj ever shook all dat in her jeans, before MIA was flyin' high like paypuh, even before Danity Kane was show stoppin' err party she walked into, Amy was settin' the new standard for Miss New Booty. She brought it togetta and brought it back to everyone, and it all started in H-Town, naw meen.

But imma get real wichya real quick. Not everything was all lipsitck poppin' and boots wit da fur for Amy in the beginning. Raised in the ghetto, Amy had a lot of obstacles to ovacome. I know it's hard to believe, but I heard it from her own mouth, she said, "Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got." Being of half-black heritage, she was constantly bein' discriminated against by the white man, da odds were always stacked against her. She always had dat passion to drop beats like bombs, but she never knew if she would eva get out da ghetto. And then that magical night. It happened at the club, know what I'm sayin', right after 'Grind on Me' by Pretty Ricky dropped, there was an invuhtation fo' an open mike freestyle smackdown. She was scurred fasho, but somethin' beyond dis physical world pushed her onto dat stage. Before she knew what was happenin', she found herself starin' straight into the eyes of the lead singer for FrEsh fAm, the illest dirty south rap group to eva hit the streets of H-Town. At that moment... well I think Rihanna says it the best, "She found love in a hopeless place." They passed those awkward smiles, naw meen ;), and then the beat dropped. FrEsh fAm started droppin' lyrical hurricanes on da mike, spinnin' togetta' rhymes that aint EVA been heard befo'. He finished up his verses and dropped da mike at Amy's feet. The next few moments created a legend that aint eva been topped in H-Town. Amy took her mike and proceeded to crush the beat, movin to da music and shufflin' those feet! Her lines were so raw, the crowd was goin' out of its mind. When she finished, the club went up in cheers, hailing the clear winna of the most epic rap battle of da century. But for Amy, that was nothing compared to the love that formed with FrEsh fAm. A romance that makes Da Notebook look like a joonya high dance exploded, and with that Amy's career as the most hood chick in the world started, fueled by FrEsh fAm. Sadly it it came to an end, an end that inspired every soulful R&B song for the next few years. But You can still catch Amy droppin' those freestyles everynight in the Lene Town. Les give it up to Amy Robbins!

But fo' real yall, les give sum props to FrEsh fAm on FB. Go hit up thurr page: http://www.facebook.com/groups/198890820153483/

See yuh tomorruh,

Ca$hlock

The 1st Roast of Christmas: Lincoln Woods

Lincoln Woods, also known as Nathan 2.0, arrived in Abilene around a year ago. As I vacated my dorm room, there he was lined up to take my spot. From the word go, Lincoln just couldn't wait to introduce Lene-Town to all of his San Antonio swag. Hailing all the way from Boerne, Texas, It would be an understatement to say Lincoln ran that town like a god. One of his greatest attributes is his humility, and because of this he didn't even want to leave Boerne, stating that he didn't know what the poor city would do without him. After ensuring that a statue of himself was built to immortalize his legend, he finally turned away, sad, but excited about establishing himself in a new town.

From his body to his dance moves, you be hard pressed to deny Lincoln's incredible presence. If you haven't seen his breath-taking dance moves, you only have to observe him for a mere five seconds before you will undoubtedly witness awesome incarnate. Even LMFAO regards his shuffles with pure jealousy.

Art students last semester all had the privilege of viewing his chiseled body. Lincoln, not wanting to deprive anyone of his marble abs, quickly signed up to be a model. He didn't have to try too hard to gain this prestigious job: the art department practically begged him. And who could blame him? Sadly he chose not to take up his position this semester, stating that it was his fault for the alarming spike in failing grades in female art students. Apparently they just couldn't stop eye-goggling his pecs, and failed to turn in a single project. When asked about his, Lincoln shrugged his shoulders and said, "I-I-I work out."

Lincoln has made his presence known in many many other ways. Since everyone already thought he was the coolest and suavest man on campus, he decided to make himself more accessible by really taking control of the social world. Ever find yourself alone at your house? Don't worry, there's a good chance he'll just stroll on in uninvited to cheer you up! How convenient is that? You don't even have to ask him! The social network Twitter has also reaped the benefits of Mr. Lincoln Woods, and the ACU student body is very thankful that they can check twitter every two seconds for a new update on Lincoln's extraordinary life.

I must sadly end this on a more melancholy note. This year, it seemed as if every woman on campus had Lincoln on her Christmas list. I'm sad to break the news that Lincoln is no longer a bachelor, but is in an incredible relationship with Miss Laura Quile. Thankfully, if you haven't heard enough about it, you can simply follow him on twitter to learn all about it!

Until tomorrow,

Ca$hlock