Psycho Theology

Let's take a moment right now to stop reading and relax. Can you feel it? Maybe not. I can though. I can feel the fresh air blowing through. It's great to be back writing regular blogs instead of roasts. Don't get me wrong, I loved slandering (or is it libeling?) everyone of you, but to be perfectly honest those twelve roasts wore me out. I've been looking forward to a regular blog for about two weeks now and it feels good to back in the stirrups again.

Believe it or not I have been doing other things besides roasting. Over this Christmas break I began watching a new TV series called Dexter. Isaac Newman was watching Dexter last year and I've always wanted to start it, and now I finally had the opportunity thanks to a free month of Netflix. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the series Dexter, let me fill you in. Dexter is a show that centers around a protagonist (Dexter, obviously) who is a blood spatter analyst for Miami Metro Homicide. Dexter is also a serial killer. The irony of a forensic specialist catching serial killers by day and then conducting his own killing at night is genius enough to deserve a television series, but it's the moral jousting match that Dexter creates that kept me glued till the sun rose every morning. Dexter isn't your run-of-the-mill mass murderer that kills out of anger, jealousy, lack of money, a drug addiction, or anything else. Dexter kills because, well, he has too. As a young child he witnessed the brutal murder of his mother, and sat in her 2-inch-deep puddle of blood for two days before being rescued by his soon-to-be adopted father, Harry. Needless to say, this horrible event caused some serious psychological trauma, causing Dexter to become empty and emotionless inside, and a voice inside of him that urges him to kill, which Dexter names as his 'Dark Passenger.' After a kill, the voice goes away. For a little bit. Dex's father discovers his Dark Passenger at an early age, but does something that most fathers probably wouldn't do. Instead of sending him to psychologists or trying some extreme unorthodox method of curing him or any other treatment that wouldn't work, Harry works with Dexter and helps channel his urges by taking him hunting pheasant and deer. At a certain point, Harry realizes that Dexter's urges will only grow stronger and expand to bigger and more exciting kills, such as humans.

This is where the jousting match begins. According to Harry's ideals, there are people in this world that deserve to die. There are certain people whose deaths would make this world a better place. People who do horrible things, like murder a mother in front of her child. Harry then develops his code, that Dexter follows into his adult life as a vigilante serial killer that targets the wicked.

Now if you're a proper Christian, your whistle should be blowing and your flag should be flying through the air and you should be screaming, "Penalty on Dexter, unnecessary judgment, 15-yard penalty!" I would agree with you. My faith is incomplete and growing, and my theology is still in its infancy, but if I had to put a label on my cornerstone it would most likely read: "The grace of God is infinite and no one is beyond redemption." But a guy like Dexter should make you think, as is the purpose of the show. On the one hand, you have a guy playing God by deciding who deserves to die and who deserves to live, a judgment that we Christians reserve for God. But on the other hand, you have a guy who absolutely has to kill. When he witnessed his mother's murder, his Dark Passenger was written into his DNA. So if he has to kill, wouldn't it be best to snuff out humanities worst? It's a tough call. As you watch Dexter, you can't help but pull for the guy, but if your a Christian shouldn't that concern you? I don't know. I can't say that I would support such actions, but I also can't deny that because of Dexter's actions, the world really is a better place. Every serial rapist he kills saves who knows how many women from that terrible fate. Every murderer that is killed saves another family from being shattered apart.

But nobody is beyond redemption. If we truly believe this, then we believe that even people who rape and murder little children are just as deserving as we are when it come's to God's grace. And if you are human, this should shake you a little bit. As a Christian can we justify a murder if it saves a woman from being raped? Sometimes I wonder what Jesus would do if he was walking down an alley late at night and happened upon a rape. What would his actions be? Would he be a Dexter and save the woman at all costs? Could God actually work through a psychopath like Dexter in the real world by saving His children from unspeakable evil?

I don't know.

The 12 Roasts of Christmas

Welcome to the highly anticipated Christmas Edition Roast. If you don't already know, starting today, all the way up until Christmas, one extremely lucky individual will get their chestnuts roasted like never before. This has been predicted as the biggest event of the year by The E! News and Spike TV. If you consider yourself to be fragile, then stop reading here, because it's gonna get brutal. Brutally beautiful. Feelings will be hurt. Backs will be stabbed. Affairs will be exposed. Vendettas will be exacted. Ok... maybe it's not that extreme. But seriously, take your beating, and laugh at everyone else's. I love everyone of you. Mostly. Sit back and relax: It's gonna be a great 12 days.

(And the winner of the 'Most-UnCowboy-Cowboy' award goes to....... SETH CARROLL!!!)

On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Kelcie Drawing Nudies

Kelcie Broom, Friend, Youth Intern, ex-bible major, has recently brought to light her long-hidden obsession: nude men. Since the age of 14, Kelcie has longed to see a naked man. She didn't know where this compulsion came from, but she knew it was there. A burden on her not-so-innocent soul, her desire burned strongly, threatening to sizzle right through her skin. She knew she had to see it, but she didn't know how. "It might sound easy, but I had my career, my family, and my reputation to think about. How was I supposed to minister to kids in a youth group if they knew I had an obsession with naked men?" A fair question I added. Just when Kelcie thought that she would burst from all of her penned up emotion, her opportunity came. It was too perfect. All she had to do was switch her major from Jesus to Art. Nearing the end of the 2010 semester, an extra-credit opportunity arose for one of her art classes. All she had to do was sketch a naked man using a live man as a model. She breathed a sigh of relief. Not only could she see her first naked man, but she could use the cover of "Extra Credit" to hide her true purpose.

"My life's dream finally came through. I had waited five whole years for this moment." Although admitting that she was a little bit upset that her secret came out, she said that she could only blame herself: "When you mix up the words 'pencil' and 'penis' over fifty times in front of your roommate, it's dang near impossible to keep a lid on the cookie jar," Broom said with a giggle and a shake of her head. She also went on to say that she was kind of relieved to have this skeleton out of the closet, and that she was receiving unbelievable support from her friends. Said Bailey, "It's definitely a little creepy having your roommate spontaneously shout "PENIS!" in her sleep, but I love the girl, and can only continue to wish her the best."

Instead of hiding from her obsession, Kelcie has now embraced it, and is currently writing and choreographing a musical that combines nude men and her other favorite thing in the world: Moonies. The musical is rumored to star Keith Carroll, and is due out next fall.

On the Second Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Comeback Kid who was Never Called the Comeback Kid

If there was an award for being able to make someone feel terrible about asking them for a favor, the gold trophy would definitely go to Mr. Kyle Yarbrough. Kyle possesses an incredible talent for being the most popular person at ACU, the best Christian at ACU, and the biggest jerk at ACU all at the same time. You may think Kyle is the nicest guy in the world. In fact sometimes even I am fooled by Kyle. But the truth is, Kyle only cares about himself. Heres a prime example:

Me: "Hey man, you want to go to go get something to eat?"

KY: "I mean... well I just got back from the Bean, but... ehh I guess I can go with you."

Wow. Nobody else could make me feel that bad for requesting companionship. You'd have think I asked him take the fall for some heinous crime. He'll do whatever you want, as long as you feel awful for asking. He uses this method in reverse to. Next time he asks you to do anything, decline and see his reaction. You would have thought you dated his sister (who will be in college next year, and is currently single).

Kyle also has this habit of feaux humbleness that is just plain insulting. Kyle Y could get any girl he wanted, but insists of being a downer about his game. "I don't have any game..." says Kyle as he walks away with two gorgeous females. "Girls don't like me..." says Kyle as a troupe of siggies scream his name during an intramural volleyball game. I know he's full of crap because he has a cushiony chair at his house called the 'makeout' chair.

Kyle's friends have about had it. Says Barton Mahaffey, ex-roommate of Kyle, "I remember last year, I was facing charges for dating a middle-school girl, and when I went to Kyle for advice, all he said was, 'It's your life man.'"

It's your life man. That about sums it up, even though Kyle has received help from all of his friends at various times when he was in need. But maybe the worst part of all is that mischievous little smile that says, "I know something you don't know." I know everyone knows what I'm talking about. Kyle will here a big juicy secret, and just flaunt it in front of you, and chances are you'll never find out. He'll just laugh and do some sort of ridiculous made-up dance.

But in all honesty, even though you always feel guilty around him, you can never get straightforward advice from him, and he's just plain better looking than you, KY's a great friend.

On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: A Woman Who Will Win at All Costs

There are two types of people in this world. The first type enjoy fun, friendly activities such as board games, capture the flag, and intramural sports, caring little to whether they win or lose as long as they had fun. And then there's the second type that will go to extraordinary measures to win said fun activities, and consider the activity a complete loss if victory is not obtained.

And then there is Emily Bibb who will go as far as to mutilate any human being who dares step between her and sweet, sweet, chocolate-covered victory. Emily is a rare bird indeed. Not just anybody would toss a Cranium board in the air, creating Chernobyl-esque destruction on the floor, right when the opponent was about to pull a come-from-behind victory. Bibb defends herself adamantly, which really is no surprise given her competitive nature. When asked why silly things like Cranium mattered so much to her, she responded, "The game? The game is nothing. But what it symbolizes is everything. In this life there are winners and losers, and I'm a winner, simple as that. If I didn't do everything in my power to win, then I would burying my talents in the field."

A little taken aback, I inquired to whether her extreme measures were worth the collateral damage she had amounted over the years against her opponents, many of whom are her close friends. She replied, "Friends and enemies are basically one in the same: Pawns in the way of my checkmate. Pawns in desperate need of elimination."

Bibb has racked up quite a bit of carnage over the years, ranging from punching refs, cursing opponents, throwing bricks through windows, and a murder, though the latter has never been proven.

To delve even deeper into the mind of Emily, I consulted one of her closest friends and roommate Kelsie Real. When I approached her, I could tell that she knew what I was here for. A look of horror flashed over her eyes, and for a brief moment, I was sure that she was about to make a break for it. But she got a hold of herself, and with a shaky voice agreed to an interview.

I asked her to describe life with Miss Emily Bibb. She replied, "You have no idea what it's like. Everything is a competition. She's sets the AC, decorated the room her way, plays her music... the list goes on and on!"

I asked her if she had ever beaten Emily at anything, and Kelsie's lips quivered.

"Well," she began, "One time I got in the shower before she did and- and-..." She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. "And she came in and threw me out in the hall butt naked, and it was visitation night!"

Truly remarkable. When she's not dominating every event possible, or dating bodybuilders with roid-rage who chew Copenhagen like it's Juicy Fruit, Emily can be found painting peacefully or reading a book, showing that she does value more than victory. Maybe there is hope in the crazy world of Emily.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Southern Hospitality

I almost feel bad typing this one. Almost. You see, it's really just to easy. All I have to say is that Landon Cook is from Throckmorton, Texas, and he's already pretty much roasted. But since you all paid good money for this show, I guess I can expound if I absolutely have too. Where to begin?

Landon showed up at ACU on horseback right around a year and a half ago. It took him a little while to get used to Abilene. Back where he's from it only takes 10 steps in any direction to leave town. ACU itself seemed like a metropolitan area. But with that fierce Texan burning inside him, he vowed to not let anything deter him in wrangling this ragtag town into his lasso of southern comfort. After a shot of whiskey and a "Giddeup!" he was off. Needless to say it wasn't just Landon who experienced a bit of a culture shock. Josh Marshall recalls vividly some of his first encounters with the man from T-Rock. "I've never met anyone like him. He seems to think that all he has to do is give a girl his special look and she'll just fall entranced under his spell." Apparently Landon get's reality and chat roulette confused every now and then. Josh also commented on Landon's special 'beautification' ritual every morning that enlisted too many processes for one roast, but blow-drying his carefully conditioned hair was one of them.

"Once the Ladies run their hands through mah hair, that's when I gottem," said Landon for the fifth time, since I couldn't understand his thick accent.

When Landon's not reliving the glory days of 6-man football (is that even a sport?) or puttin his southern charm on the ladies, you can usually find him in Pod 2D. Since he never sleeps, you can find him in there at any hour of the night. Landon has this mixed notion that since in Throckmorton anyone can stay at anyones house, regardless of relation, and get a nice home-cooked meal of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, hot buttery rolls, and a tall glass of ice cold sweet tea, every other city must operate the same way. Proof of this notion was evident by his moving-in to our living room.

I asked Landon once if he had any West Texas oil money, and he said that his family wasn't rich at all. He then preceded to remotely start his huge 4-door pickup truck from across the campus. I don't even want to know what his definition of rich is. But I can't be too hard on the guy. He does have that small-town southern man charm about him. But to all the ladies, don't waste your time. Landon's only into girls fresh out of failed marriages. But maybe if you cook him some of that fried chicken maybe, just maybe, he'll warm up to you.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Best Christmas EEEEVVVVEEERRR

The Christmas season is upon us, and with the holidays comes celebration. Yes, many of you readers will be singing jolly tunes, cozying up next to a merry fire while grandpa tells stories, popping champagne bottles at midnight on Christmas Eve. But no matter how joyous your celebration might be, it will in no way compare to the party Morgan Sconiers will be throwing. Morgan is what you might call a 'party animal', the type of person that influences movies like Animal House and American Pie. Morgan typically keeps a pretty tight lid on her party life, but after a Mike's Lemonade she was spilling all of her secrets.

"Yah partying is my life. It's my reputation. It's who I am," said Morgan. When asked how she felt about being known as the 'party girl' she replied calmly, "I kind of like that title. I want evvverrryyyoneee to know what I'm all about." Interesting.

For the past 14 months or so, the soon-to-be Mrs. Carroll has been dating the deranged ginger Keith Carroll. Morgan hinted at the possibility of a ring for Christmas.

"Well were pretty much in love, so why wait? It's always been my dream to get married early."

When I asked Keith about the possibilities of this rumor he replied, "Ahbigaduhbuh My bwootts are steeky!" I took that as a yes. The man needs to get married and reproducing as soon as possible to preserve the ginger nation.

Morgan is planning the party of the century in honor of her near engagement, but a warning to all potential guests: If your planning on bringing snacks, better just stick to chicken nuggets and macaroni cheese. Morgan is less commonly know to be pickier than a spoiled 3-year old from a rich family. I brought spaghetti to her house one time and "I haaaatttteee that" was all the thanks i received.

Folks, clear your schedules. This holiday season is shaping up to be the best evvveerrrr.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Wiessy Babyyyy

When it comes to fratting like a fratstar, the first name that pops into everyone's heads is Ben Wiese. Fratting since the young age of 5, Ben has been flying the I-Am-Better-Than-You flag high and proud. His biggest pet peeve is organizations that just let anyone in. There's no pride in that.

When Ben didn't pledge this fall, I immediately became suspicious. This didn't fit his profile at all. How could the Natty-pounding champ of the world not pledge?! I knew I had to get to the bottom of this mystery. Turns out that he turned down all of his bids because all of the clubs on ACU's campus were just too nice. Instead he chose to stick with his unofficial social group formally known as TXA. His reasons were straightforward, harsh, and just plain fratastic.

He told me: "You see, clubs like Galaxy and Sub-T and the rest only shut out people who don't fit the bill personality wise. You know, you have to be a tool to be a moonie, a drunk cowboy to be a subber, and homosexual to be a gamma. But those are only skin-deep qualifications. At the end of the day, too many people are still getting in, and its just not special. Now take TXA. We don't care about outward personality, but what's inside a person. If you don't make the spiritual cut, then too bad for you. Much, much more selective and cruel, which is how I like it," he finished with a sly grin.

But when Ben isn't posting TFMs or hazing geeds, he can be found making strange noises in Jake Jake Jacobson's room. No one really knows what goes on in that room, but rumor has it that a complicated love triangle exists inside that room between Cole Anthony, Jake, and Ben. It all started on the Dry Bones internship that they all partook of this past summer. Cole and Jake both want Ben, but Ben keeps playing both sides, leading those poor boys on. But seriously keep that on the down-low-- Macy is unaware of this triangle.

When Ben is not being as obnoxiously loud as humanly possible, he can be found simulating some NBA 2k11 or whatever its called and sippin on a Brewski--the perfect day. Happy hazing my friend.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: A Lemur In a Coconut Tree

I had to fly thousands of miles and trek through a tropical forest to find Laza Razafimanjato for this roast. Six years ago, Laza moved from the forests of Madagascar to Abilene, Texas to attend ACU. If you want to know about Madagascar, then watch the movie Madagascar. According to Laza it is a perfect representation of what his home country is like: trees and lemurs, and yes penguins. Anyways, I met Laza my freshman year of college at ACU. Laza was the AD of Mabee Hall, and he always followed the rules and enforced the rules on Mabee’s residents. He ran a pretty tight shift. I’ve never seen anyone hold as much respect as Laza. He didn’t have to tell you twice to stop an activity. That’s how much he was revered. It must have been his beard. I remember one time a group of guys was playing a crazy game involving tennis balls and I think golf clubs, and when Laza asked them to stop, they immediately did. It’s a good thing too, because if they had just ignored Laza then they might have hit the fire alarm in freezing cold weather and forced all of Mabee outside into the cold.

Laza is also known as an excellent driver. He most certainly did NOT have to take his driver license test three times, and he most certainly did NOT total his car in Arkansas. He was always so great about picking myself and Austin Fleet up so we could save our gas. Never once this summer did Laza call me begging for a ride because he was stuck at home.
Laza loves to dance. Chances are Laza loves to dance with you, even if you aren’t interested in dancing with him. When puts his all-purpose pin-stripe thigh-high shorts on, anything could happen. You might go swimming, you might play volleyball, you might go to a restaurant, or it could be movie time. Laza wore those pin-striped shorts every single day this summer. It was kind of like his trademark.

There’s many interesting things about Laza. For one, Laza’s native language is French and Malagasy, and while his English is really good, it’s still not great. He does this thing when your having a conversation with him where he’ll get going on a story and then he’ll stop saying words because he forgot the translations, but he’ll keep moving hands until his story is over and then he’ll look at you like you were supposed to interpret his random hand movements. Sorry Laz, I don’t speak Malagasy sign-language. Laza also can’t wait until he’s a grandpa so he can partake in the Malagasy tradition of eating the foreskins of all his grandkids with a banana. Animals also seem to dislike him. Lark’s dog Bella took a dump in his house one night, Travis’s dog tried to bit him, and recently Henrietta, Laza’s pet hen, committed suicide and left a note detailing her hatred towards laza. Tragic.

But through and through you gotta love Laza. He’s going to come visit soon. Actually he’s not. He’s been saying that for 6 months now and we’ve seen no trace of him. But you never know!

On the Eight Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Birds and the Bees

This roast is going to be a little bit special. Instead of one person roasting on a spit, two people are going to receive their well-earned dues at one time. Think of it as a buy one get one free deal.

Since Seth Bouchelle and Carey Cox seem to be glued together at all times, it only seemed appropriate that they be roasted together. It be a pity to separate them even on this blog. This dynamic duo began dating roughly ten months ago, and have spent a total of ten minutes of solitude. Normally this would seem outrageous, but for a couple who is this perfect, anything less would be insulting. Their tightly-knit group of friends seem to be on the same page too.

Said Bailey Blackburn, “I just love it when they come over to my house for a casual hangout. The way Carey crawls into Seth’s shirt and tousles his hair during every movie our group watches is a symbol of joy to my heart..”

Said Travis Green, “I don’t even want to bother looking for a woman, because there’s no way it will compare to what they have.”

Said Keith Carroll, “My bwoots are steeky!”

But a question has risen amidst this seemingly flawless relationship. Is it as perfect as it seems, or are there cracks on its diamond surface?

A recent conversation with Carey revealed that perhaps not all is well. I was walking down the sidewalk on a recent Monday when I saw Carey looking quite disheveled. Being the thoughtful, caring friend that I am, I asked her if everything was ok, and she said no.
“Oh Nathan,” she began tearfully, “It’s about church yesterday. You see, during service Seth didn’t rub my leg the entire span of the message, and I just couldn’t connect with God without his hand caressing my inner thigh and intertwining with my hand. I think something may be up.”

Obviously I was startled by this revelation. I decided to do a thorough follow up. The next opportunity I had, I questioned Seth to see if there was reason for this madness.
Seth came into my room the next day wearing his turquoise alpaca fur shirt (or whatever that is) and a bandana over his tangled blonde hair. Obviously a horrible attempt to look like a neo-manstic Christian who doesn’t need the world, I jokingly said that Halloween was two months ago. I quickly realized that he was serious, and I dropped the matter. I asked him why the uncaressed thigh, and I could tell I had struck gold.

“Well Nate, there’s someone else. There’s always been someone else. I may be courting Carey, but my heart belongs to Randy Harris. The problem is, Randy’s a celibate, so I have no chance with him, and lately it’s been hitting me harder than usual. I’d do anything for him!”

I pondered this and asked, “Would you hold a metal pipe for a specified period of time and not let it hit the ground if Randy told you to?”

“I’d smack the first person who tried to touch it in the face with it if he tried to stop me,” he responded proudly.”


˘˘True Story

Interesting. Well I wished Seth good luck, and now only time will tell if ACU’s favorite couple can survive the latest hardship that has floated to the surface.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Abrynnaline Defying Gravity

Turn up your volume and press play to fully enjoy the following roast. Listen and read.

Brynn smith, AKA Abrynnaline, Brynndi Doobi Doo, Fender Brynnder, or really whatever you want to call her lives life like a musical. I don't know if I've ever had a conversation with Brynn without her bursting into a song. She's like Krunk off of Emperor's New Groove humming her own theme music. I had the opportunity to watch her perform in a musical this past summer, and it was quite the show. I guess she thinks she's pretty hot stuff by the way she was shaking 'All That Jazz' on the stage in her voluptuous outfit. Her risque rolls didn't end their as she went on to perform as Rose in the musical 'Titanic' where, yes, she posed topless to allow Jack to paint her (sounds like the kind of thing Broom is in to), and she will be performing along side Keith as lead actress in Kelcie's upcoming musical about naked moonies. She's even dyed her hair red so as to match Keith.
You always know when Brynn arrives at the scene. Her presence is like a mixture of Red Bull and heroine, juicing the atmosphere into almost unbearable levels of hyperactivity. When asked why she seems to always be so animated she replied, "I just loooovveee ttoooooooo siiinngggggggggggggggg," finishing on a high G with a twenty second vibrato.
Though Brynn's life seems picture-perfect, all is not well upstairs if you know what I mean. Brynn has recently come forth admitting that she is receiving intensive rehab for her addiction to watching and posting youtube videos. I witnessed this addiction first hand when I went over to her house one afternoon and was forced to endure endless hours of Harry Potter musicals, Hook mashups, and homemade movies on youtube, only escaping by bashing her in the head with a bat as she was serenading people online with her Ukulele. During her intervention, which was aired on live television, her close friends were very supportive. Said Amara, "You make a great Peter Pan, but if I see this video one more time I'm gonna shoot myself." Things are looking bright though, as she has limited her youtube watching to only ten hours a day as opposed to the usual eighteen hours. Therapists are hoping to release her from the support home within the next four months.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Kason's Brother

If there's anybody who has some big shoes to fill, its Kason Hart's little brother. In a couple of years the royal throne for Galaxy will need a new ruler, and it's up to Kason's brother to uphold the family tradition and take the crown. But being Kason's brother isn't as easy as it sounds and the pressure has started to crack Kason's brother. Ever since call night Kason's brother has been trying to make a name for himself. He knows that if the crown is ever going to be his he has to be known by more than just 'Kason's brother.' He went all out during pledging, even taking a couple of leaves out of Ben Wiese's book about fratting hard. Nowadays you'd be hard pressed to catch Korey wearing anything but khakis and sperry's. Korey has set a world record for most consecutive days wearing the same pair of khakis with an impressive one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six days. And to top it off, you can smell his ten-year-old sperry's from a mile off. It might seem that the future crown is all but his, but there's so much more to Kason's rep that Korey has to live up to. Korey has been shooting 5,656 3-pointers everyday in hopes of someday balling as hard as Kason does. Someone's gotta lead the moonies to a championship.
I asked him about his strategies to rising to power and he said, "Bro, I'm just gonna keep working on my game." His next 3-pointer clanged off the rim and he shouted a mild profanity at the top of his lungs.

To better prep him for kingdomship, Korey has hired his roommate, Michael "Big Mike" Holeman as his personal trainer. "I've got Kason's brother on a tight program consisting of 5,656 pushups, situps, up-downs, layups, free-throws, and 3-pointers. We follow that up with a 56 minute jog. I've paired his workout with a strict Schlotzskis diet and a 10:00 bedtime."
Sounds like he's in good shape.

Korey does have a life outside the family monarchy. He also enjoys video games, especially Call of Duty. He used to play Halo, but apparently that was when he was gay. He told me this rather loudly. But secretly we all know its because he gets owned in Halo.

Well Korey if your reading this then I suggest you get off immediately and get back to work. That crown's not going to set itself on your head.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Roast Before Christmas

Twas the roast before Christmas and all through the house;
Not a Creature was stirring, not even Macy McArthur!
Like a feral cat she pranced and she hissed,
Calling out for Ben Wiese, hoping for a kiss.
She sat on his lap, and purred with a smile,
Began using silly words like a 3-year old child.
"I wuv you! I wuv you!" she babbled and cooed.
One would think she drank milk from a bottle instead of solid food.
She nestled and snuggled and started to giggle,
Ben's beard was thick and boy did it tickle!
With eyes droopy and almost asleep,
Ben shrieked and Macy leapt to her feet.
Startled and frightened she scampered away,
And hid in her basket hoping for the next day.
For tonight was Christmas eve, and tomorrow she hoped,
For a new ball of yarn and to be petted and stroked.
She had better get her wish, or someone would die,
She can turn on a dime and gouge out your eyes.
She enjoys wearing the pants and whipping Ben into shape,
Don't mess with this Tigress, she'll devour you like a crepe.
But boys watch out when your drying off with a towell,
She'll sneak in your room with eyes wide as an owl.
But tonight this feral cat is drifting lazily to sleep,
So Merry Christmas to all and don't make a peep.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Hehehe...

Yes, I know there's been some question about who the final roast would be about. I decided that it was only appropriate to roast my dear girlfriend Amara Childers. Now don't get to excited-- since she's my girlfriend I decided to only write sweet things about her.

Don't worry I'm just kidding.


Amara Amara... Amara has got to be the smartest illiterate person I've ever met. Seriously the girl's a genious. Shes pulling like a 3.95 or something in biology, and let me tell you folks, that's pretty impressive. I've seen some of her test reviews and they make me want to vomit. Yet for all of her brain mass, the most complex piece of literature she's ever read and understood is Jemimah Puddleduck, and even with that she only used cliff notes. Things aren't much different on the road either, whether I'm driving or she is. Everytime I climb into her car I feel like I'm gambling with my life. It's like those stoplights are just there for decoration. When I'm driving, Amara likes to pull her trademark move. She'll take out a bottle of water or some chapstick, and after she's done I'll ask if I can have some. She then proceeds to screw the lid back on and hand it to me as I'm battling through heavy traffic instead of leaving the lid off. If I had a dollar for every time I raised a bottle of water to my mouth and smacked my teeth with the lid...

Amara also has an interesting sense of fashion. You would never know if she was ever heading to a funeral because she dresses like she is at all times. Black shirt, black pants, black toenails are a must wherever she goes. Sometimes she likes to mix it up with a little charcoal action to keep things fresh. She fits right in with the gothic scene.

But I can't complain too much. Things are going great between us right now. She'll probably keep me around for oh... five or six more months and then she'll probably trade me in for a black boyfriend for the summer. It's kind of a pattern she likes to keep. I'm promise I'm not trying to be racist, it's just how she operates. Don't believe me? Check this out:





Here is the list of all the guys Amara has dated. I told you. She has trouble making up her mind, which is another thing you should know about Amara. I think having a black name is what causes her to go back and forth and back and forth. I should probably propose while I got her for the moment, because who knows who she's gonna date next. Joke... I'm not proposing anytime soon.

Well I think I better stop here. Lord knows I'm in a boatload of trouble after this roast. Umm Keith and Morgan... I might be third-wheeling on that double date we were planning.


But on a lighter note, it's been a joy roasting this holiday season. I know I left some of yall out, but honestly it's because I had nothing on you. If you really want to get roasted or know of anyone who desperately needs their chestnuts roasted, develop some obnoxious habit or give me some dirt on someone and I'll happily do another roast in the Spring. Even though the roasts are done, I'm going to continue blogging and I would encourage you all to follow!

Merry Christmas!

Some Like it Hot

It's hard to believe that today is my last day in Pod 2D. It sickens me to reflect on the semester and realize how it was literally yesterday that I was moving my stuff upstairs in the 100 degree heat. Man time flies! Although I rejoice at the semesters end, I mourn that this is my final day in dorm life. This semester has even competed with life on 3rd North. But all is not melancholy. I have 5 weeks until I fly off to Europe for 6 months. And next year, I'm gonna live in a house! Yep, myself, Bart, Keith, Chad, and Kay Why are gonna be house buddies. I am pretty excited about this, though I may have to cut down on Little Panda in order to pay rent.

My final week has been eventful. When I'm not trashing KY and Bart in Smash Bros., I've been studying and writing papers, just trying to finish out the semester strong. In a few hours I've got my dad's final. I'm not too worried, seeing as I get an automatic A for being his son. It's written somewhere in the syllabus I think. Last Friday, I was duped into entering a 'consumption challenge.' I put that in quotations because although it was a consumption challenge, I was not fully informed on all of the details of said challenge. My dear friend Chad, desperate as he was, beat around the bush and got me to agree to this. Being a good friend, I was like, sure of course I will! After I had sworn with my own blood, Chad informed me that I would be eating 12 Blazing Buffalo Wild Wings. Hmm. I don't know how much you know about Buffalo Wild Wings, but it's one of my favorite places. I love me some wings dipped in ranch. I also like my wings to have a good kick to em' too. I usually order my wings with the Hot sauce on them. The Hot level is pretty darn hot. It will get your sinuses running. Now, for you inexperienced Wingers, Hot is three levels below the hottest sauce. After hot comes Mango Habeñero, Wild, and then Blazing. At this point, I get this surge of anxiety. Let's break this down.

1. I'm a man. I can't back down from this!

2. I'm part Cajun. Our kind like it hot. I've been raised on spicy crawfish and File Gumbo my entire life! How can I let the Cajun Nation down??

3. I already agreed... I'd feel bad backing out now...

So I kept my word. Last Friday, I entered the Campus Center, and ate me some wings. Wing number one went ok. I definitely felt the kick-- this was one hot sucker. But it didn't destroy my mouth like I expected. With more confidence, I picked up wing number two. Now I had a strategy for this prestigious competition, and it was pacing. To my left, Jason Lutterloh was just going to town. But soon enough, he was out for the count. I couldn't see how the rest of the competition was faring, but I knew I had this cat beat. Wings 3 and 4 went down, and all of the sudden my predicament became clear. Fellas, I was in for one spicy ride. The heat was intense. I could literally feel the heat rising off of them. I got a bad case of the hiccups, my bodies way of trying to bargain with me about what I was doing. My mouth still isn't on speaking terms with me, and my digestion system is plotting mutiny of a horrible kind. At this point, it was do or die. The longer I waited, the longer the pain would be. So I dove in. Wing after wing after wing. They were quite tasty. Around wing ten or eleven, I managed to get sauce in my nose, which was hell. Finally I got to wing 12 and devoured it like a voracious cheetah devours its prey. I stood up to see if I won and...... got second place. Damned Asian kid beat me. I really wasn't surprised though. Those Asians can eat like Ghengis Khan is on their ass. It's nuts. You ever watch Kobiyashi in the hot dog eating contest? Dude can put down over 50 hotdogs, and he only weighs like 110 pounds or something like that. This kid was probably his son or something. But I was proud of second place. I felt like I held the family honor high, and I also got a free meal out of it. But dear baby Jesus, my face was melting. I got to my room and washed the sauce off, and my face was just beet red. It looked I had just gotten the worst sunburn of my life. That night when I took a shower, the hot water reactivated all the heat on my face, and it lit on fire again! And the next morning.... I won't go into details, but I disintegrated the toilet. And all for the sake of friendship. See if I ever be a good friend again.

And now for a sneak preview:

COMING DECEMBER 13, THE 12 ROASTS OF CHRISTMAS!

JOIN ME AND GET THE INSIDE SCOOP ON SETH'S BANDANA, WHAT KELCIE BROOM REALLY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS, AND MUCH MUCH MORE!

Thanksgiving, Do We Even Gotta Question?

Happy Thanksgiving! Yes, in case you didn't get the memo, today is Thanksgiving! Man I sure do love Thanksgiving. There's so many positive things that go on during the Thanksgiving Holidays, I can hardly contain myself. I type this blog with a stomach that has expanded nearly eight times its normal capacity. This year, my family and my grandparents are staying at Quartz Mountain, a resort located somewhere in Oklahoma. It's pretty nice! Lunch today was amazing. There were so many options, I didn't even know where to start. Along with the traditional turkey and dressing, they had prime rib, leg of lamb, honey-glazed ham, crawfish, shrimp, crab-legs, sushi, and tons of other stuff! I felt like I was sitting at the start of the term feast in the great hall at Hogwarts. I ate so much! It was incredible. Times like now really cause me to reflect on Squanto and Samoset and all the pilgrims. I'd give anything to be at that first table! I can only imagine what that game of backyard football was like. You know the pilgrim men got their asses kicked by Squanto and Co. John Smith led a bruising D, but Christopher just couldn't get the offense going. Plus the Natives had Pocahontus cheerleading, which boosted their morale immensely. How I would love to circle around the turkey fryer, knockin' back homemade brews with my new found Native American Bros. I bet some funny jokes were told while the bird was cooking. Back then, the Cowboys always won on Thanksgiving day too. After the meal, they probably all gathered under Grandmother Willow with a cup of Verona, and listened to her tell old stories filled with wisdom and knowledge. Pizzaro and Cortes came up from Mexico for pumpkin pie. The fun only lasted so long. Pretty soon, the natives were tortured and enslaved, but hey, that first thanksgiving meal was one for the books.

The end of the Thanksgiving season means one important thing: The Christmas season can finally legitimately begin. If you've been listening to Christmas music, putting up decorations, or watching Christmas movies before today, then shame on you. Such behavior makes me ill. But nothings worse than major retail stores. I swear, Wal-Mart never even takes their decorations down. What ever happened to respecting each holiday in its turn? Poor Halloween... Halloween gets abused the worst. I can't imagine how it must feel to be overshadowed by a holiday 2 months away. That must be how Keith feels everyday with 4 older siblings. I prefer to acknowledge each holiday in its own turn. That way I can enjoy each holiday without any distractions from other holidays. And this way, no poor holiday gets left out.

Today marks the start of the Christmas season, and you know what that means. Yes, tomorrow is black Friday. If your like me, you've already got your routes planned out. I plan on arriving at Target at precisely 2:37 AM, so I can be among the first to enter the store at 4:00 AM when it opens. I plan to get my best deals there, but only spend four hours inside. After wards I will hit up various stores in the mall to clean up what ever is left. I've written up a detailed stretching schedule so my legs can be loose and ready to sprint when those doors open. Actually I'm lying, I have no intentions of waking up before noon tomorrow. In fact, I really think black friday is a little dumb. It's ridiculous how the most advanced species of animals (us) turns into raving rabid dingos when it comes to Christmas shopping. I even read a story a few years ago about a stampede at some retail store on Black Friday that like killed several people. There is something seriously wrong if you can consciously stomp over another human all in the sake of saving a few bucks. But I guess that just reflects what the holidays are really about... its all about materialism. That's really too bad. I hope that this season we can all keep the important things in mind, because that's really what it's all about.

Well, I'd say its naptime. Enjoy the rest of your Thanksgiving! And go Horns!

Barton's passed out, I pass the dressin'!

The Roast of Barret Hall 2D

It's been awhile. The semester is almost up, which in turn means that I only have two and half weeks of dorm life left. This is exciting and kind of sad at the same time. I've had a blast living in the pod this year, and I will definitely miss it when I leave. Gosh this semester has flown by. It seems like yesterday Drew was getting busted for illegally living in the pod for a week. I've missed blogging terribly. Once pledging started, I didn't do much of anything except pledge and watch Dragonball Z. Blogging takes too much energy. Once pledging ended, it was tough getting back into the swing of things. But here I am, just typing away again. I didn't really know what to write about for this entry, so I decided to compile a list of the things I've learned this semester. Because that's what college is for. You come here to learn....

Lesson #1: Get to know your RA and RD before you start breaking rules.

Yah... we all found this one out the hard way *cough Drew cough*. My fellow podmates and I are what I like to call "boundary explorers". Some of us more than others, though I won't name any names. We've always been like this. I guess technically you could say that we like to break rules, but that makes it sound like were bad people. I like to think of it as we don't let rules enslave us. Anyways, a few things happened that kind of got us off to a rough start. First off, we arranged our furniture how we saw fit, but apparently there is a strict and stupid structure for every single grain of dust in Barret. Paul tore us a new one on the first morning when he walked in on move-in day and saw that the TV had been moved against another wall and the official Barret couch was stacked stadium-style on top of a table. I still don't really see what the big deal was and I think we were a little harshly treated by our 7:00 AM wake up call via cannons and trebuchets (Paul and Tommy's fists against our doors). But things worked out in the end. How could we not be mad at Tommy when he fully supported keith, kyle, barton, and myself getting curfew violations for going to a baptism? And one can only idolize Paul's destructive obsession with following rules. The highlights of our week our the encyclopedia's of new procedures and rules of Barret Hall. Something about being threatened with a $75 fine for forgetting to brush my teeth just really gets me excited about life.

Lesson #2: Drew is desperately terrified of sharp things I.E. knives, ninja stars, and machetes. Actually Drew is basically terrified of life.

This lesson has proved priceless, because Drew has this knack for hacking into our computers and controlling them. He thinks this is hilarious. It was kind of funny a year and a half ago, but even then it didn't get more than a chortle. However Drew still derives (calculus term for ya buddy) unfathomable joy from this little maneuver, and every chance he gets, he makes the best of it. But now us victims can fight back. A machete against his throat when he's asleep usually does the job quite nicely. The shower is also prime time for sneak attacks. He never sees it coming.

Lesson #3: Austin's Itunes is the perfect place to turn to in times of depression.

Everyone's been there. It's the point where life is just taking a dump on you, and you have no where to go. You reach this point where you just want to cry, and you don't even want to feel better. You start thinking of sad things to make yourself even more depressed, because in that masochist kind of way, it feels good. So where do you go? That's right: Austin's Itunes. You can always find a sad, emo, or sappy romantic song to just plunge your soul even deeper into the abyss of depression. I know when I'm sad I get his computer and blare some Never Shout Never, because sometimes "My heart's tied in a knot and my stomachs in a swirl."

Lesson #4: Rumors confirmed-Travis is indeed 80 years old.

We were all suspicious, but recent studies and detective work has revealed the truth. Travis is in fact an old man. Suspicions began when his bedtime slowly but surely trickled down to 8:00 PM every night. Things got even more obvious when he was waking up at 6:00 AM every morning. A huge piece of evidence that led to this conclusion was the fact that any noise above a whisper causes a serious disturbance in his equilibrium. Aware of the ever growing body of evidence against him, he began to fear that his secret would be discovered. On Halloween night, he tried to throw the investigators off the trail by dressing up as an old man. A clever plan, except that nobody even noticed a difference, and in fact asked why he didn't have a costume. His continued usage of jokes that makes one cringe at the level of corn involved was the final piece needed to solve the mystery.

Lesson #5: Nik has more game than any man at ACU.

Any single man reading this blog needs to take a couple of leaves from Nik's book. On arrival to the pod, we began noticing that the company Nik keeps was predominately female. Not just females, but some fairly attractive females. Jake and Travis, who prefer to shun women, were particularly flabbergasted. "What's a girl?" Jake retorted on his first encounter with this phenomenon. Any man would be proud to have a flock of lasses tailing him EVERYWHERE, but the story doesn't end there. The most amazing part about this whole shindig is that Nik has formed a deep and serious relationship with each of the 27 girls in his clique. But the story doesn't end there! Nik's game is so outstanding, that he's convinced every single one of his girlfriends to be ok with his multiple relationships. One might inquire as to how a man can fit time for 27 women. Nik again showed his genious by purposefull scheduling no classes, giving him all day to do absolutely nothing but mack on his ladies. I tip my hat to you sir.

Lesson #6: Gingers will become extinct in 100 years.

I wipe a torrent of tears from my eyes as I type this. But its true. In biology, I learned that in one hundred years, every single ginger will be dead. Gone. Deceased. Rotting. Keith Carroll took this news especially hard. He is painfully going through the stages of grieving. Denial hit hard and fast. He absolutely refused to believe that this tragedy would come to pass. He began to go into a fit of jibberish, always referring to his sticky boots, whatever the hell that means. I tried to explain to him that the world will one day just get sick and tired of waiting on him to put his freaking clothes on for dinner, and will leave him behind forever. If there's any hope though, it will be in his Carroll blood's freakish aptitude for reproducing like gerbils. Keith, you are the ginger's only hope.

Lesson #7: Barton is maybe, possibly, most likely, definitely, well IDK, doubtfully going to ATM next year.

Mr. Mahaffey has been probably but most likely never for sure going to ATM next year to pursue a degree in engineering. His assuredness at this plan has all of us a little sad (and my stomach's in a swirl......). How can we live without Bart Bart? I remember when he first said that he was definitely not going to ATM. I can't describe the emotion that filled my heart. The anxiousness at the fact that Barton may or may not leave us was almost more than I could bear. Since he was without a doubt leaving, I knew that I had better make my last few days with him worthwhile. I could finally rest east knowing that Barton was most likely going to stay at ACU. I guess we will all have to prepare for the worst since he is unsure about whether he'll stay at ACU or transfer to ATM. We will all most assuredly not maybe hopefully 100% never miss you. See ya next year!

Lesson #8: Jake Jake's knee is being attacked by aliens.

I've always wondered why jake's knee ails him so. It wasn't until yesterday that we discovered the miniscule, but viscous, army of extra-terrestrials that has been laying siege to his knee for the past 5 years. "It was like a light-bulb went off in my head," Drew exclaimed, "I always thought he was faking it, but it was those damned aliens." What made these aliens so hard to detect was due to their highly advanced active camouflage that they all wear. When Jake Jake went to get an MRI, the doctors nearly missed the devastating army. It was only when one of the buggar's sneezed, knocking off the invisibility for a mere second. That second was all the doctor needed to unlock the mystery. When asked about possible treatments, the doctor replied that there were none, and Jake Jake would have to wallow in his misery forever. He is currently being treated in The Little Spoon Rehabilitation Center for his Ibuprofen addiction.

I'd say its been a successful semester. I don't know if my brain can hold any more information. Until next time, good night.

Simpler times...

I miss blogging. In a couple of weeks, I plan on blogging like a boss. Until then, goodbye.

I Heard Rumor of a Time When Gas Was Only a Quarter Per Gallon

Five-lane streets at lunch time fill up with cars much like beaches fill to the brim with tourists once summer begins. Judge Ely is no exception, and even in the little town of Abilene, traffic thickens and frustrations facilitate from the motorists sitting behind their wheel. As I head to Little Panda, I am thrust into this very situation, dodging grandma drivers, frowning at speeders, banging the wheel impatiently at that guy who has the nerve to drop speed to 5 MPH before making a turn. For the love of Mother Teresa, why is there a tractor taking up two lanes? Why is my tank almost empty? I filled up a week ago! Man, gas takes a chunk out of a paycheck.

My stomach growls. I could really use a heavy dose of General Tao chicken. Time to bump up the speedometer to fifty. Crap, slow it back down, a cop is in that parking lot. Who is this guy driving 35 mph? Doesn't he know the limit is 40? Switch lanes, car in my blind spot, swerve back. One can never trust the side-view mirrors for this very reason. Why is that Hummer riding my butt? Fight the urge to hit the brakes and take her to court. Uh oh, the light turned yellow, and I'm at that awkward position where it would be one heck of brake fest to stop, but I had better gun it if I'm going to make the light. Pull the trigger. Eh... maybe I should have stopped. Too late now. Please, oh please, let their be no cops. And Nathan said, let their be no cops. And Nathan saw that it was good.

Hit the brakes again, I'm going ten over, and the traffic is picking up even more. I feel like it shouldn't take this long to get to Little Panda. But there's so many cars, all going to different places, all with a different human, a different soul, each soul with different amounts of millions of seconds of a life created by the thousands of relationships of thousands of ancestors who conceived at a specific time in history, a time that is absolutely paramount to creating this exact scenario, because if conception happened even a minute earlier, a different sperm out of the hundreds of millions produced by each male would fertilize the egg of the female, creating a completely different human being, meaning that this 'other' being would have a completely unique agenda, placing him or her in another place at another time, and all of these infinite variables converged into this chaotic moment, the moment in which I am trapped in traffic on Judge Ely.

My view is composed of the car in front of me, and the car to my right. Oh, and the Hummer riding my butt. My mind focuses on the brakes and the accelerator, pushing and letting off at appropriate moments. As the parking lot of United appears on my left, I ease my truck into the turning lane, and I can see farther ahead than I could before. In fact, the turning lane is relatively empty. It's a relief, a brief moment where the chaos ends and tranquility begins, a moment where the noise and traffic of the world falls away. This happens because few travel in the turning lane. And even those who do quickly turn out, back into traffic, back into chaos.

Few walk the road less traveled. The narrow path is, well narrow. The world travels in the wide path. The Gospel preaches on this pretty passionately. If one is to reach Heaven, one must take the narrow road. I hear Heaven is a wonderful place.

Growing up, I had heard this story many times. Growing up, I have always tried to travel the narrow road. In my present, I try to travel the narrow road, though often I turn off of it. Something about the crazy world always pulls me off.

Like a magnet.

For the majority of my Christian faith, I have always viewed the narrow path and the wide path as two separate paths, two paths that are in two different dimensions of spiritual space. It makes sense, where sex and and drunkenness belong on the wide path, purity and soberness belong on the narrow path.

Like oil and water.

I'm beginning to see these two paths in a new light. I see a vision of these paths as separate but intertwined. If we are to be lights unto the darkness, we must be in the darkness for our light to illuminate the darkness. How can we minister to those under the curse of sin, if we are prancing in the meadow with Bambi?

Light the meadow on fire.

Bad company corrupts good morals, but too much good company corrupts good Christians. We must learn to walk the narrow path right smack in the middle of a hydrogen bomb, like driving in the turning lane right smack in the middle of four lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic.

But in real life, don't stay in the turning lane... head-on collisions corrupt life. That means they can kill you. This is a metaphor, sort of like you shouldn't gouge out your eye if your checkin' out a fly lady. Just ask for strength, and high-five God for creating such a gorgeous woman. But in all honesty, I think this is a vision of the narrow/wide path story that should be considered. Let us who walk the road less traveled place ourselves in the road most traveled. The way of Jesus isn't an old country road, but rather the yellow stripes dividing the highway.

Just food for thought.

This General Tao is delicious, though I recommend using a fork. Chopsticks may make you look cool, but let's face it, a fork is so much easier and more efficient. How can the nation that invented gunpowder never evolve past two wooden sticks?

A Hobbit's Life for Me

There's a fire burning in my head tonight. I'm metaphorically banging my head against the wall, bedazzled by humanity. You see, I was recently involved in a situation of little importance, but as you know, the little things in life are what irks us the most, and tonight I am irked. Before I begin my tale, I feel like I must clarify that I am not 'picking' on anyone, and really the point of this post is much larger than the minute situation, whose only importance was really to get the wheels turning in my head. So if you read this, and begin thinking, "Nathan, your a jackass," chill, I still love you dearly, and in all honesty, probably love you more than you love me.

Tonight I will be ripping Christians as a collective group, because we all at some point fall under the umbrella of this post's topic. If you are offended, then you get offended too easily, which is another soap box entirely. But for now, sit back, grab a lemonade, and enjoy a classic Nathan-is-right-and-you-are-wrong- rant.

So a couple of nights ago, I was preparing to head out to a friends house to enjoy the company of some beloved friends who I have not seen nearly enough of this Summer. The night's events consisted of cookies and taquitos and an epic hearts tournament. I love hearts, but I'm not very good. I only have one speed, and that's running the tables, because I go big or I go home. I found myself going home most of the night. Let me back up. I'm getting off on a tangent. Before said party, I received a text from one of my esteemed friends. It said something along the lines of, "Hey guys, in order for a few people to come tonight, I promised them that y'all wouldn't smoke, so yah." To the casual reader, this may seem like a small deal, and I admit that it really wasn't a problem. The guys and I enjoy an occasional smoke on our distinguished pipes, and most of our friends know that. Not all of my friends enjoy smoking, which is perfectly fine. It's not for everyone. The reader must, at this point, understand our habit. I will re-emphasize the word occasionally, which basically means a few times a month. We don't smoke cartons of cigarettes a day, we smoke a few bowls of pipe tobacco, which is much more pleasing to the olfactory sensors that cigarette smoke is. The next important thing to know is that when we smoke, we do so outside, giving those who choose to have beautiful lungs the option to converse indoors where the air is clean. We do our thing, while also being respectful to those who don't like smoke. So what's the problem?

Here's the problem. The problem is that I have 'friends' who are placing conditions on our friendship. And not even good conditions. It would be one thing if we were smoking stogeys indoors, while sipping scotch, and playing cards, where the smoke would suffocate our more tender guests. But that's not what we do at all. We take our business outside. So, by careful calculations, this leads me to believe that the issue isn't the smoking, (how could it be? said guests are not even around the smoke), but rather the idea of smoking. Dun dun dun....... Like I stated earlier, I'm cool if you don't like to smoke. I don't enjoy yoga. But if it's the stigma... woa buddy. Some of my readers know how I feel about stigmas.

As I also mentioned earlier, this story is only a setup to a much bigger picture. The above scenario is meaningless really. But when the issues of the above scenario play out in Christianity, which they do, problems arise.

There's a lot of non-believers in this world. A compelling reason that I have heard way too many times is that NBs (non-believers) say that they can't follow a people who are so judgmental. When us Christians hear this, we scoff and say, "Pah, that's Ludicrous! We accept everybody for who they are!" Bullshit. No we don't. I bet there's a Christian reader of my blogs right now judging me for cussing. Get over it! I'm a nice guy! And it's the little things that set NBs (and me) off. Things like, "I can't hang out with you if your going to smoke." That right there is already batman-signaling your ignorance and unacceptance of a person, and when that person is a NB, they are associating Christianity as a bunch of bigots who think they are too righteous for the rest of the world. Why are Christians so afraid of nutting up and getting their hands a little dirty? For goodness sake, have you read about the places Jesus went?? For those who shudder at the thought of consuming a single drop of alcohol, NEWSFLASH: Jesus made gallons of wine (which has alcohol ;). And not your everyday-run-of-the-mill wine. He made some damn good wine, causing the guests of the party to comment on how the best wine was saved for last. I wasn't there, but I'm pretty sure there was more than one person who was hammered at that party, and yet we find the Son of God right in the middle of this crowd. What if Jesus was like, "Well, I'd come celebrate your Holy union, but.... if there's gonna be alcohol...yah I'm gonna have to skip out. If you were as perfect as me, you'd understand."

Language is another thing that Christians OBSESS over. But do you ever stop and consider why certain language is even bad? We lose our temper and say a curse word, and we better pray because we just sinned, but if we lose our temper and say a replacement word like frick or dang or crap, then we're safe. Shouldn't it be obvious that the real sin is that we lost our temper, not the specific combination of letters we strung together?

As Christians, it is high time that we stepped outside of our little worlds, trekked to the land of Satan, and looked back at our world from the point of view that everyone else sees it. Kind of like standing on the moon. Next time there's a wild party, go and have a beer or two. Don't get smashed, but get your hand a little dirty. Blend in, mix, show everyone that you except them, rather than saying that you do. You'll make a lot more progress in the long run, and gain the respect of NBs. If you do end up getting struck by lightning, my bad, that's totally on my soul. If you don't like smoke, deal with it for the sake of Christ. Nut up or shut up I say. DC Talk says that the greatest single cause of atheism in the world is Christians. Let's change that. Say a curse word today, talk to a person who would tarnish your perfect reputation in the eyes of your fellow bigot christian friends. It's funny, that we look at the material world and shun them for caring about the way they look, but really, we care about the way we look, so much so that we'll skip out on fellowship for the sake of not getting any dust on our shiny mirrors.

Have a sketchy day for Christ.

Suhbadicool

Hi.

I have not posted a single blog this summer. I apologize. I've been a busy man. That's not really true, I guess I'm fishing for excuses for my long absence away from Blogger.com. There's many things that I wish to say, but that is not for this post. This is simply a welcoming party to my revamped sight! Welcome to 'I Thought About a Burning Fire'. I got tired of the name 'The Enclave', because, although it was the birthplace, The Enclave just doesn't exist anymore, and one can't live in the past forever. I decided to move on, and thus landed on this title. Think of it as a child hitting puberty. It's the same mind, the same words, just.... older? Maybe this is a terrible analogy. The title comes from one of my favorite songs, 'About a Burning Fire' by Blindside. I find the title fitting because often as I write, my thoughts are difficult to decipher, not due to the complex nature, but rather to my ineptitude at untying knots. It's like a burning fire in my head. Cool, huh? So that's about all for this post. Here's to more posts in the near future. Enjoy the fiery colors. Peace.

Asian Sensation!

I am sitting in the library, surrounded by Asians. I'm not trying to sound racist. It's not everyday that I find myself outnumbered fifteen to one by Asians! I really love asians. Not in a creepy way. But they are just so cool! if it weren't for Asians, there would be no Little Panda for me to indulge in. Just the thought of no Little Panda... NO! I refuse to even think about it! We really owe a lot to Asia. Mulan is one of the best movies ever. Who doesn't want to walk the Great Wall of China?? We've already talked about their amazing food. We wouldn't have ninja stars or the the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Ninja's for that matter! And don't forget about Video games! Asians practically invented them. Austin Fleet is like a quarter Asian. What would I do without that guy?? They are swell people. If you don't know a person of Asian descent, then get up right now and go meet one and thank him or her for all of his or her contributions to this world.

Anyways, so I've been analyzing myself. I'm kinda at a point where I am kind of trying to figure out who I am. But honestly, I think that's a dumb question. Who honestly knows who they are? Sure, you can probably come up with characteristics about yourself like, "I'm funny, or I'm sophisticated, or I'm sadistic and twisted, or I'm just a caring person," but is that really who you are?? If that's who a person is, then I don't see the big deal in searching for yourself, because naming character traits only takes about five seconds. When people say that they are going to 'find themselves,' what does that even mean?? I don't really think you can lose yourself. Maybe you forget what you stood for, but lose yourself? Your right there! Why do you even need to know who you are? You portray yourself without thinking about it. It's not like 'discovering your self' is going to change the way you already naturally act right? I bring this up, because I have no idea who I am! It's a mystery, and I don't really think there's a set in stone answer. I think a better question is, "What the crap is God's plan for my life??!?" *dodges lightning bolt for saying "crap" and "God" in same sentence* That's a feasible question, because I feel like people mess this one up all the time. If you honestly know the answer to that, then you deserve a prize. The trick for me is distinguishing between my own thoughts and feelings and God's thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I have this insatiable urge to do something, and I think that it must be God, but then I'm like, "Well, this could easily just be what I want..." It's complicated! One of my pet peeves is when I hear Christians say, "God was just leading me here." You know what I'm talking about? Their eyes kind of glaze over and they use that airy voice in a minor key. It's ridiculous! What did God knock on your door and say, "Excuse me Mister, but you have to go to Canada next year." Probably not. Now I know this sounds cynical, and I'm not trying to pass judgment... But I just don't believe it's that simple. In fact I know it's not! I've seen people do some crazy stuff because apparently God came in a dream or something, and it ended up going all wrong. It's possible that maybe I'm just not looking and listening with the right perspective. I just feel like when God tells me His plan for my life, I'll know 100% without a doubt.

Well now that that's outta my system... haha sometimes I crack myself up with my rants. I don't even know if what I just wrote makes sense! Like it makes sense in my mind, but sometimes it doesn't translate well to words... My apologies if your left scratching your head :)

Have a baller week!

Endurance

There are problems that come with sleeping in till one in the afternoon.

A: I am wide awake.
B: I haven't even been conscience for twelve hours today.
C: I feel like a bum.

These problems, especially number A, get magnified when I am in a bored-and-want-to-do-something-but-don't-feel-like-doing-anything mood. You know what I'm talking about? Right now I have so much energy, but it's late and I don't even know what I would do if I even had the drive to do something. So my fortune-telling skills tell me that my future has an extremely late night, an early morning, and a beast of a nap on the horizon.

I wasn't completely unproductive today. I went for a 2-mile run, and I felt like I went at a pretty good pace. I ran pretty quickly after I ate, so I got like four stitches in my body, one of which was in my back! Has that ever happened to you?? It's never happened to me before. So that was..different. But rumor has it that Abilene is hosting a full-out Marathon this fall. There's this insane thought in the back of my head. The very, very back. I'm a little nervous to listen to it, but it's telling me to run it. For the life of me, I have no idea why I would do that! I ran a half back in December, and I hated it! So a full Marathon is crazy-talk. I hated the half because both my hamstrings seized at mile 11 1/2, and I had to stop for several minutes and stretch and work them out before they would function again, and that ruined my pace and shot my pride because I couldn't say that I ran the whole way without stopping. But my muscles seizing was my own fault because I didn't hydrate and I didn't stretch well before the race. I guess I feel like I could be a lot smarter about it this time. 26 miles... that is a long ways. I would need to start training in a about a month for it. Go big or go home right?? The hardest thing about training is that it takes up SO MUCH time.. but if I ran a Marathon, that would be an awesome accomplishment, and I feel like I wouldn't ever have to do it again.

You know who is crazy though?? People who train for triathlons, especially for the IronMan. If you are unfamiliar with the IronMan, let me break it down for you: First you have to swim in an OCEAN for 2.4 miles. Then you have to drag your pruny body out and hop on a bike and peddle for 112 miles. I can't imagine the blisters you would get on your butt from sitting for that long, especially when your wet at first. It would be terrible! And then you hop off your bike and proceed to run a full Marathon. If your like me, your mind just exploded. I had to carb up just to type about it. I met a guy who completed a triathlon. I think he told me it took him 11 hours. Wow. I don't know if there's anything that I would want to do for eleven hours straight, let alone doing the most insane workout known to man.

Maybe I should just stick to my 2-miles-3-times-a-week workout....

Nate's out for tonight. Sleep well and GO TO CHURCH in the morning!

Ps. Did anyone catch the typo in the first big paragraph??

Come fly with me, let's fly, let's fly away.....

If you didn't know, housing numbers are being assigned on FRIDAY! While this is balla shot calla, it really drives home the point that Freshman year is only three and a half weeks away from being over. Wow. It's hard to believe that I am already through year one of my college career. I can remember how far off college used to seem, and it's a quarter over?? You gotta be joking! You might say, "Well Nathan, you still have three years left." This is true, but let's analyze this: First, I'm practically a sophomore. That means I'm at the half-way point. So since I'm a 'sophomore' that basically means that I'm almost a junior, which means that next year is practically my senior year, and there I am walking the stage to get my degree in Psychology! If that just blew your mind, I understand. But that is exactly how it's gonna feel three years from now. We are gonna look back and think, "Crap! I was hauling my furniture up the stairs to Mabee or Gardner yesterday! And now I have a crazy wife and a kid on the way and years and years of debt to pay off!"

Maybe I'm over reacting :) But real-talk, where has this year gone?? I need more time! An extra month! Sure summer's great, but I have things I need to do! I've started making new friends, and it kind of hit me that I only have like three weeks with these people until everyone moves away for three months, and who knows what's gonna happen next year. 3rd North just installed the most thug life sound system into the common room. I need more than three weeks with it! I can't believe how fast this year's gone by. If I could, I would kill time. But then I'd be a murdera. Hmmm that sounds familiar....

But since we are on the subject of the future, why not indulge a little, eh? Next year! Next year is already looking to be pretty epic. No curfew?? Fawkt. Nicer dorms? Fawkt. OXFORD, ENGLAND?? FAWKT! Let's talk about Oxford. Bloody 'ell! Pretty good, eh?? I'm working on my accent. I'd say it's almost perfect! Study Abroad will definitely be the experience of a lifetime. I can't really imagine anything better than spending an entire semester overseas. I can't wait to dine on the local delicacies, travel to exotic places, kick it C.S. Lewis and Tolkien style in the pubs. I think it will be beneficial to me, because I will legitimately leave home for college. I really hope I grow spiritually there, and that I can just let loose a little. Within the rules of course :) The only problem is going to be the flight over there and back... If you don't already know, I hate flying. Loath it. Despise it. I would compare it to having your best friend date your sister behind your back, cheat on her with your current girlfriend, and then running off with your mother afterwards. Then multiply that by ten. Ok, maybe it's not THAT bad, but flying really does scare me! It seems like an awful way to die... And I know they say that you are more likely to die in a car crash than an airplane, and that airplanes are the safest way to travel, blah blah blah, beh beh, blah blah blah, comin out yo mouth wichya blah blah blahs. Tell that to all the DEAD people in those airplane crashes that practically happen everyday! That's what I thought! You can zip your lips like a padlock. Maybe if the news would report on all of the flights that landed safely, I would feel better. But no. The news always has to look at the glass half empty, and because of these misery-loving anchors and their misery-loving viewers, poor Nathan is terrified of planes :( Sad day. BUT if I survive the flight, I'm in for a fantastic semester! I can't wait!

I need to do homework. I have a 23 page paper due in 3 weeks. Shoot me now! Or put me on a plane! Same result...

I hate to end on a negative note, so let me think of something funny...

I got it! So the other night, the Children of the Mist (my intramural team) played some vball. Before the game started, the captains met at the net to talk to the ref. I am our team's captain, so I went forth to fulfill my noble duties. The ref gave us the run-down, and then asked us to play paper, rock, scissors to see who would get ball first. Let's pause here to go over some details. The team we were playing was legit. A little too legit. We are not legit. In fact we suck. But we're cool with that. But this team was good, and they knew they were good. They had that swagger about them. Their captain was staring at me, no smile, cut-off shirt, obvi trying to look like a bad A. So I decide to play a mind game with him. Right before we started paper, rock, scissors, I looked up at him and said, "I'm going paper." We did the one, two, three, shoot, and as I promised, I went paper. This idiot went rock! I said, "I told you I was going paper!!" And then the ref said, "Yah he did say he was going to do that..." I laughed and went over to my team. We then preceded to get our butts handed to us.

But I won Rock, Paper, Scissors!

Good night :)

Never heard that one before...

I am 19 years old today. The same age my mother was when she got married. That is an insane thought, because marriage seems like an epic fairy tale right now. But 19 eh? What a crappy year. Nothing at all happens at 19. You get your permit at 15, your license at 16, you can legally watch rated R movies at 17, your an adult at 18, but what happens at 19?? Nothing! 20 is a cool age because your 20. It's like a whole new decade. And 21... do I even need to say it? But the bright side is, it is my birthday, and that means a facebook assault of happy birthdays, nice text messages, great food from the fam, presents... everything is about you for 24 hours.
My birthday is always a little bit special. It's on April Fools Day, and no I'm not joking! I get to hear the same jokes every year. They never change, and I'm pretty confident that they never will. So my birthdays go like this: Half of the people who know me say something along the lines of, "Your a joke!" or "Your birthday's on April Fools? That's fitting..." And then the other half of the people who know me don't believe it's my birthday. Talk about a traumatic childhood.

4-year-old-Nathan: "It's my birthday!"
Nathan's best friends: "No it's not, shutup."
4-year-old-Nathan: ;(

Sometimes I don't know how I made it through childhood.


Well...short post for tonight... I'm exausted... I just misspelled exhausted, but I don't want to arrow key over and fix it. That's how sleepy I am. So good night.

Arrividercci!

It's been over 3 weeks, so i'd say it's about time for another blog! Today we will embark on my adventure aboard the Costa Atlantica, cruising through the blue waters of the Caribbean.

My week aboard the cruise was simply amazing. Whether I was eating wonderful food or fighting off Krakens or just watching the waves go sailing by, I was in utter bliss. The ship itself is enormous. It was ten stories high and probably three times as long. It takes a couple of days just to learn your way around the ship. There are two main restaurants, one is a buffet that is open all day, and the other is a fine dining that is open for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The ship also comes complete with a casino, a theatre where you can go watch various shows every night after dinner, a disco room, a shopping center, 3 swimming pools, weight room, salon, numerous bars, party rooms... I mean you name it. It's like a mini city floating on the water. Incredible. What's amazing is that our ship was a smaller ship too, so you can only imagine what the bigger ships are like.
The food was fantastic! Every night we were treated to 7 course meals. That's right, 7 courses. Costa is an Italian cruise line, so we dined on fine Italian food. There were other kinds as well, but the main emphasis was Italian. We started out with various breads and oil. Then Ignatius our waiter would come by and we would give him our choices for our next courses. The appetizers were great, my favorite of the week being the snail :O It was served in this cheesy sauce and it was superb! Kind of tastes like a muscle or clam. Next came the soups. I usually opted out of the soups. Soups make me pee. I love soup, but these dinners were 2 hours long so yah... but they had a huge variety of soups from chilled fruity soups to soups with raw meat in them :/ Next course was salad. Again they offered a wide variety of salads, but I'm not really into fancy salads. I mean, how good can leaves be? I got the caesar salad every night, and it was the best caesar salad I've ever had! Moving on, the next course was the pasta course, YUM!! I had fettucini, spaghetti, ravioli, fagotoni, and it was all delicious. By this point I was usually starting to feel full haha, but there were still three courses to go! Next was the main entrees. Delicious fish, beefs, duckling (poor guy...) lamb, pheasant, raw veal and tons of other weird yet tasty foods. Next was the cheeses! I was the only one from my family who got the cheeses every night. I hadn't heard of 3/4ths of the cheeses they served. Some were pretty strong and smelled awful. I felt distinguished though, eating cheeses. It has that fancy European twang. And finally it was time for coffee and dessert! The coffee on board was strong and delicious all week. I'm not usually a huge dessert man, but they had some great desserts.

If you weren't eating, the rest of the day could be spent at your leisure. You could tan on the deck and read, swim in the pools, sleep, listen to Jamaican music, partake in different activities throughout the boat. I took an Italian lesson one day. Arrividerci! That means goodbye. I did get a pretty wicked tan, but it is already fading :( We stopped 3 times throughout the trip. The first stop was the island of St. Thomas, which is in the Virgin Isles. St. Thomas was in my opinion the prettiest place because it had forested mountains and gorgeous beaches. We got to lay out on Magan Beach which is one of the top 10 beaches in the world! The driving is strange their. They drive on the left side of the road, but the steering wheels are on the left side of the car too. I've never seen that before. St. Thomas had a rum factory that we got to tour, and at the end we got free samples! The mango rum was so good :) Our next stop was San Juan, Puerto Rico. San Juan was ok. We took a tour of the town and got to see an old fort and we had some good food there. Our final stop was Grand Turk, which is in the Caicos Islands. This was simply a beach bum island. The water here was so blue and the all we did was just swim and lay out.

The coolest thing in my opinion was the diversity of the people on board. I had never heard so many languages in one place. Although almost everyone could speak English as a second language, true english speakers where definitely the minority. All week I listened to spanish, italian, french, german, Indian, some asian language that I'm not sure about... It was awesome. It inspired me to learn French, since my heritage is French so I have started learning!
Over all it was an excellent week. I strongly recommend that sometime in your life, you should go on a cruise. It's an adventure everyone should experience at least once!