Psycho Theology

Let's take a moment right now to stop reading and relax. Can you feel it? Maybe not. I can though. I can feel the fresh air blowing through. It's great to be back writing regular blogs instead of roasts. Don't get me wrong, I loved slandering (or is it libeling?) everyone of you, but to be perfectly honest those twelve roasts wore me out. I've been looking forward to a regular blog for about two weeks now and it feels good to back in the stirrups again.

Believe it or not I have been doing other things besides roasting. Over this Christmas break I began watching a new TV series called Dexter. Isaac Newman was watching Dexter last year and I've always wanted to start it, and now I finally had the opportunity thanks to a free month of Netflix. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the series Dexter, let me fill you in. Dexter is a show that centers around a protagonist (Dexter, obviously) who is a blood spatter analyst for Miami Metro Homicide. Dexter is also a serial killer. The irony of a forensic specialist catching serial killers by day and then conducting his own killing at night is genius enough to deserve a television series, but it's the moral jousting match that Dexter creates that kept me glued till the sun rose every morning. Dexter isn't your run-of-the-mill mass murderer that kills out of anger, jealousy, lack of money, a drug addiction, or anything else. Dexter kills because, well, he has too. As a young child he witnessed the brutal murder of his mother, and sat in her 2-inch-deep puddle of blood for two days before being rescued by his soon-to-be adopted father, Harry. Needless to say, this horrible event caused some serious psychological trauma, causing Dexter to become empty and emotionless inside, and a voice inside of him that urges him to kill, which Dexter names as his 'Dark Passenger.' After a kill, the voice goes away. For a little bit. Dex's father discovers his Dark Passenger at an early age, but does something that most fathers probably wouldn't do. Instead of sending him to psychologists or trying some extreme unorthodox method of curing him or any other treatment that wouldn't work, Harry works with Dexter and helps channel his urges by taking him hunting pheasant and deer. At a certain point, Harry realizes that Dexter's urges will only grow stronger and expand to bigger and more exciting kills, such as humans.

This is where the jousting match begins. According to Harry's ideals, there are people in this world that deserve to die. There are certain people whose deaths would make this world a better place. People who do horrible things, like murder a mother in front of her child. Harry then develops his code, that Dexter follows into his adult life as a vigilante serial killer that targets the wicked.

Now if you're a proper Christian, your whistle should be blowing and your flag should be flying through the air and you should be screaming, "Penalty on Dexter, unnecessary judgment, 15-yard penalty!" I would agree with you. My faith is incomplete and growing, and my theology is still in its infancy, but if I had to put a label on my cornerstone it would most likely read: "The grace of God is infinite and no one is beyond redemption." But a guy like Dexter should make you think, as is the purpose of the show. On the one hand, you have a guy playing God by deciding who deserves to die and who deserves to live, a judgment that we Christians reserve for God. But on the other hand, you have a guy who absolutely has to kill. When he witnessed his mother's murder, his Dark Passenger was written into his DNA. So if he has to kill, wouldn't it be best to snuff out humanities worst? It's a tough call. As you watch Dexter, you can't help but pull for the guy, but if your a Christian shouldn't that concern you? I don't know. I can't say that I would support such actions, but I also can't deny that because of Dexter's actions, the world really is a better place. Every serial rapist he kills saves who knows how many women from that terrible fate. Every murderer that is killed saves another family from being shattered apart.

But nobody is beyond redemption. If we truly believe this, then we believe that even people who rape and murder little children are just as deserving as we are when it come's to God's grace. And if you are human, this should shake you a little bit. As a Christian can we justify a murder if it saves a woman from being raped? Sometimes I wonder what Jesus would do if he was walking down an alley late at night and happened upon a rape. What would his actions be? Would he be a Dexter and save the woman at all costs? Could God actually work through a psychopath like Dexter in the real world by saving His children from unspeakable evil?

I don't know.

The 12 Roasts of Christmas

Welcome to the highly anticipated Christmas Edition Roast. If you don't already know, starting today, all the way up until Christmas, one extremely lucky individual will get their chestnuts roasted like never before. This has been predicted as the biggest event of the year by The E! News and Spike TV. If you consider yourself to be fragile, then stop reading here, because it's gonna get brutal. Brutally beautiful. Feelings will be hurt. Backs will be stabbed. Affairs will be exposed. Vendettas will be exacted. Ok... maybe it's not that extreme. But seriously, take your beating, and laugh at everyone else's. I love everyone of you. Mostly. Sit back and relax: It's gonna be a great 12 days.

(And the winner of the 'Most-UnCowboy-Cowboy' award goes to....... SETH CARROLL!!!)

On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Kelcie Drawing Nudies

Kelcie Broom, Friend, Youth Intern, ex-bible major, has recently brought to light her long-hidden obsession: nude men. Since the age of 14, Kelcie has longed to see a naked man. She didn't know where this compulsion came from, but she knew it was there. A burden on her not-so-innocent soul, her desire burned strongly, threatening to sizzle right through her skin. She knew she had to see it, but she didn't know how. "It might sound easy, but I had my career, my family, and my reputation to think about. How was I supposed to minister to kids in a youth group if they knew I had an obsession with naked men?" A fair question I added. Just when Kelcie thought that she would burst from all of her penned up emotion, her opportunity came. It was too perfect. All she had to do was switch her major from Jesus to Art. Nearing the end of the 2010 semester, an extra-credit opportunity arose for one of her art classes. All she had to do was sketch a naked man using a live man as a model. She breathed a sigh of relief. Not only could she see her first naked man, but she could use the cover of "Extra Credit" to hide her true purpose.

"My life's dream finally came through. I had waited five whole years for this moment." Although admitting that she was a little bit upset that her secret came out, she said that she could only blame herself: "When you mix up the words 'pencil' and 'penis' over fifty times in front of your roommate, it's dang near impossible to keep a lid on the cookie jar," Broom said with a giggle and a shake of her head. She also went on to say that she was kind of relieved to have this skeleton out of the closet, and that she was receiving unbelievable support from her friends. Said Bailey, "It's definitely a little creepy having your roommate spontaneously shout "PENIS!" in her sleep, but I love the girl, and can only continue to wish her the best."

Instead of hiding from her obsession, Kelcie has now embraced it, and is currently writing and choreographing a musical that combines nude men and her other favorite thing in the world: Moonies. The musical is rumored to star Keith Carroll, and is due out next fall.

On the Second Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Comeback Kid who was Never Called the Comeback Kid

If there was an award for being able to make someone feel terrible about asking them for a favor, the gold trophy would definitely go to Mr. Kyle Yarbrough. Kyle possesses an incredible talent for being the most popular person at ACU, the best Christian at ACU, and the biggest jerk at ACU all at the same time. You may think Kyle is the nicest guy in the world. In fact sometimes even I am fooled by Kyle. But the truth is, Kyle only cares about himself. Heres a prime example:

Me: "Hey man, you want to go to go get something to eat?"

KY: "I mean... well I just got back from the Bean, but... ehh I guess I can go with you."

Wow. Nobody else could make me feel that bad for requesting companionship. You'd have think I asked him take the fall for some heinous crime. He'll do whatever you want, as long as you feel awful for asking. He uses this method in reverse to. Next time he asks you to do anything, decline and see his reaction. You would have thought you dated his sister (who will be in college next year, and is currently single).

Kyle also has this habit of feaux humbleness that is just plain insulting. Kyle Y could get any girl he wanted, but insists of being a downer about his game. "I don't have any game..." says Kyle as he walks away with two gorgeous females. "Girls don't like me..." says Kyle as a troupe of siggies scream his name during an intramural volleyball game. I know he's full of crap because he has a cushiony chair at his house called the 'makeout' chair.

Kyle's friends have about had it. Says Barton Mahaffey, ex-roommate of Kyle, "I remember last year, I was facing charges for dating a middle-school girl, and when I went to Kyle for advice, all he said was, 'It's your life man.'"

It's your life man. That about sums it up, even though Kyle has received help from all of his friends at various times when he was in need. But maybe the worst part of all is that mischievous little smile that says, "I know something you don't know." I know everyone knows what I'm talking about. Kyle will here a big juicy secret, and just flaunt it in front of you, and chances are you'll never find out. He'll just laugh and do some sort of ridiculous made-up dance.

But in all honesty, even though you always feel guilty around him, you can never get straightforward advice from him, and he's just plain better looking than you, KY's a great friend.

On the Third Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: A Woman Who Will Win at All Costs

There are two types of people in this world. The first type enjoy fun, friendly activities such as board games, capture the flag, and intramural sports, caring little to whether they win or lose as long as they had fun. And then there's the second type that will go to extraordinary measures to win said fun activities, and consider the activity a complete loss if victory is not obtained.

And then there is Emily Bibb who will go as far as to mutilate any human being who dares step between her and sweet, sweet, chocolate-covered victory. Emily is a rare bird indeed. Not just anybody would toss a Cranium board in the air, creating Chernobyl-esque destruction on the floor, right when the opponent was about to pull a come-from-behind victory. Bibb defends herself adamantly, which really is no surprise given her competitive nature. When asked why silly things like Cranium mattered so much to her, she responded, "The game? The game is nothing. But what it symbolizes is everything. In this life there are winners and losers, and I'm a winner, simple as that. If I didn't do everything in my power to win, then I would burying my talents in the field."

A little taken aback, I inquired to whether her extreme measures were worth the collateral damage she had amounted over the years against her opponents, many of whom are her close friends. She replied, "Friends and enemies are basically one in the same: Pawns in the way of my checkmate. Pawns in desperate need of elimination."

Bibb has racked up quite a bit of carnage over the years, ranging from punching refs, cursing opponents, throwing bricks through windows, and a murder, though the latter has never been proven.

To delve even deeper into the mind of Emily, I consulted one of her closest friends and roommate Kelsie Real. When I approached her, I could tell that she knew what I was here for. A look of horror flashed over her eyes, and for a brief moment, I was sure that she was about to make a break for it. But she got a hold of herself, and with a shaky voice agreed to an interview.

I asked her to describe life with Miss Emily Bibb. She replied, "You have no idea what it's like. Everything is a competition. She's sets the AC, decorated the room her way, plays her music... the list goes on and on!"

I asked her if she had ever beaten Emily at anything, and Kelsie's lips quivered.

"Well," she began, "One time I got in the shower before she did and- and-..." She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. "And she came in and threw me out in the hall butt naked, and it was visitation night!"

Truly remarkable. When she's not dominating every event possible, or dating bodybuilders with roid-rage who chew Copenhagen like it's Juicy Fruit, Emily can be found painting peacefully or reading a book, showing that she does value more than victory. Maybe there is hope in the crazy world of Emily.

On the Fourth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Southern Hospitality

I almost feel bad typing this one. Almost. You see, it's really just to easy. All I have to say is that Landon Cook is from Throckmorton, Texas, and he's already pretty much roasted. But since you all paid good money for this show, I guess I can expound if I absolutely have too. Where to begin?

Landon showed up at ACU on horseback right around a year and a half ago. It took him a little while to get used to Abilene. Back where he's from it only takes 10 steps in any direction to leave town. ACU itself seemed like a metropolitan area. But with that fierce Texan burning inside him, he vowed to not let anything deter him in wrangling this ragtag town into his lasso of southern comfort. After a shot of whiskey and a "Giddeup!" he was off. Needless to say it wasn't just Landon who experienced a bit of a culture shock. Josh Marshall recalls vividly some of his first encounters with the man from T-Rock. "I've never met anyone like him. He seems to think that all he has to do is give a girl his special look and she'll just fall entranced under his spell." Apparently Landon get's reality and chat roulette confused every now and then. Josh also commented on Landon's special 'beautification' ritual every morning that enlisted too many processes for one roast, but blow-drying his carefully conditioned hair was one of them.

"Once the Ladies run their hands through mah hair, that's when I gottem," said Landon for the fifth time, since I couldn't understand his thick accent.

When Landon's not reliving the glory days of 6-man football (is that even a sport?) or puttin his southern charm on the ladies, you can usually find him in Pod 2D. Since he never sleeps, you can find him in there at any hour of the night. Landon has this mixed notion that since in Throckmorton anyone can stay at anyones house, regardless of relation, and get a nice home-cooked meal of chicken-fried steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, hot buttery rolls, and a tall glass of ice cold sweet tea, every other city must operate the same way. Proof of this notion was evident by his moving-in to our living room.

I asked Landon once if he had any West Texas oil money, and he said that his family wasn't rich at all. He then preceded to remotely start his huge 4-door pickup truck from across the campus. I don't even want to know what his definition of rich is. But I can't be too hard on the guy. He does have that small-town southern man charm about him. But to all the ladies, don't waste your time. Landon's only into girls fresh out of failed marriages. But maybe if you cook him some of that fried chicken maybe, just maybe, he'll warm up to you.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Best Christmas EEEEVVVVEEERRR

The Christmas season is upon us, and with the holidays comes celebration. Yes, many of you readers will be singing jolly tunes, cozying up next to a merry fire while grandpa tells stories, popping champagne bottles at midnight on Christmas Eve. But no matter how joyous your celebration might be, it will in no way compare to the party Morgan Sconiers will be throwing. Morgan is what you might call a 'party animal', the type of person that influences movies like Animal House and American Pie. Morgan typically keeps a pretty tight lid on her party life, but after a Mike's Lemonade she was spilling all of her secrets.

"Yah partying is my life. It's my reputation. It's who I am," said Morgan. When asked how she felt about being known as the 'party girl' she replied calmly, "I kind of like that title. I want evvverrryyyoneee to know what I'm all about." Interesting.

For the past 14 months or so, the soon-to-be Mrs. Carroll has been dating the deranged ginger Keith Carroll. Morgan hinted at the possibility of a ring for Christmas.

"Well were pretty much in love, so why wait? It's always been my dream to get married early."

When I asked Keith about the possibilities of this rumor he replied, "Ahbigaduhbuh My bwootts are steeky!" I took that as a yes. The man needs to get married and reproducing as soon as possible to preserve the ginger nation.

Morgan is planning the party of the century in honor of her near engagement, but a warning to all potential guests: If your planning on bringing snacks, better just stick to chicken nuggets and macaroni cheese. Morgan is less commonly know to be pickier than a spoiled 3-year old from a rich family. I brought spaghetti to her house one time and "I haaaatttteee that" was all the thanks i received.

Folks, clear your schedules. This holiday season is shaping up to be the best evvveerrrr.

On the Sixth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Wiessy Babyyyy

When it comes to fratting like a fratstar, the first name that pops into everyone's heads is Ben Wiese. Fratting since the young age of 5, Ben has been flying the I-Am-Better-Than-You flag high and proud. His biggest pet peeve is organizations that just let anyone in. There's no pride in that.

When Ben didn't pledge this fall, I immediately became suspicious. This didn't fit his profile at all. How could the Natty-pounding champ of the world not pledge?! I knew I had to get to the bottom of this mystery. Turns out that he turned down all of his bids because all of the clubs on ACU's campus were just too nice. Instead he chose to stick with his unofficial social group formally known as TXA. His reasons were straightforward, harsh, and just plain fratastic.

He told me: "You see, clubs like Galaxy and Sub-T and the rest only shut out people who don't fit the bill personality wise. You know, you have to be a tool to be a moonie, a drunk cowboy to be a subber, and homosexual to be a gamma. But those are only skin-deep qualifications. At the end of the day, too many people are still getting in, and its just not special. Now take TXA. We don't care about outward personality, but what's inside a person. If you don't make the spiritual cut, then too bad for you. Much, much more selective and cruel, which is how I like it," he finished with a sly grin.

But when Ben isn't posting TFMs or hazing geeds, he can be found making strange noises in Jake Jake Jacobson's room. No one really knows what goes on in that room, but rumor has it that a complicated love triangle exists inside that room between Cole Anthony, Jake, and Ben. It all started on the Dry Bones internship that they all partook of this past summer. Cole and Jake both want Ben, but Ben keeps playing both sides, leading those poor boys on. But seriously keep that on the down-low-- Macy is unaware of this triangle.

When Ben is not being as obnoxiously loud as humanly possible, he can be found simulating some NBA 2k11 or whatever its called and sippin on a Brewski--the perfect day. Happy hazing my friend.

On the Seventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: A Lemur In a Coconut Tree

I had to fly thousands of miles and trek through a tropical forest to find Laza Razafimanjato for this roast. Six years ago, Laza moved from the forests of Madagascar to Abilene, Texas to attend ACU. If you want to know about Madagascar, then watch the movie Madagascar. According to Laza it is a perfect representation of what his home country is like: trees and lemurs, and yes penguins. Anyways, I met Laza my freshman year of college at ACU. Laza was the AD of Mabee Hall, and he always followed the rules and enforced the rules on Mabee’s residents. He ran a pretty tight shift. I’ve never seen anyone hold as much respect as Laza. He didn’t have to tell you twice to stop an activity. That’s how much he was revered. It must have been his beard. I remember one time a group of guys was playing a crazy game involving tennis balls and I think golf clubs, and when Laza asked them to stop, they immediately did. It’s a good thing too, because if they had just ignored Laza then they might have hit the fire alarm in freezing cold weather and forced all of Mabee outside into the cold.

Laza is also known as an excellent driver. He most certainly did NOT have to take his driver license test three times, and he most certainly did NOT total his car in Arkansas. He was always so great about picking myself and Austin Fleet up so we could save our gas. Never once this summer did Laza call me begging for a ride because he was stuck at home.
Laza loves to dance. Chances are Laza loves to dance with you, even if you aren’t interested in dancing with him. When puts his all-purpose pin-stripe thigh-high shorts on, anything could happen. You might go swimming, you might play volleyball, you might go to a restaurant, or it could be movie time. Laza wore those pin-striped shorts every single day this summer. It was kind of like his trademark.

There’s many interesting things about Laza. For one, Laza’s native language is French and Malagasy, and while his English is really good, it’s still not great. He does this thing when your having a conversation with him where he’ll get going on a story and then he’ll stop saying words because he forgot the translations, but he’ll keep moving hands until his story is over and then he’ll look at you like you were supposed to interpret his random hand movements. Sorry Laz, I don’t speak Malagasy sign-language. Laza also can’t wait until he’s a grandpa so he can partake in the Malagasy tradition of eating the foreskins of all his grandkids with a banana. Animals also seem to dislike him. Lark’s dog Bella took a dump in his house one night, Travis’s dog tried to bit him, and recently Henrietta, Laza’s pet hen, committed suicide and left a note detailing her hatred towards laza. Tragic.

But through and through you gotta love Laza. He’s going to come visit soon. Actually he’s not. He’s been saying that for 6 months now and we’ve seen no trace of him. But you never know!

On the Eight Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Birds and the Bees

This roast is going to be a little bit special. Instead of one person roasting on a spit, two people are going to receive their well-earned dues at one time. Think of it as a buy one get one free deal.

Since Seth Bouchelle and Carey Cox seem to be glued together at all times, it only seemed appropriate that they be roasted together. It be a pity to separate them even on this blog. This dynamic duo began dating roughly ten months ago, and have spent a total of ten minutes of solitude. Normally this would seem outrageous, but for a couple who is this perfect, anything less would be insulting. Their tightly-knit group of friends seem to be on the same page too.

Said Bailey Blackburn, “I just love it when they come over to my house for a casual hangout. The way Carey crawls into Seth’s shirt and tousles his hair during every movie our group watches is a symbol of joy to my heart..”

Said Travis Green, “I don’t even want to bother looking for a woman, because there’s no way it will compare to what they have.”

Said Keith Carroll, “My bwoots are steeky!”

But a question has risen amidst this seemingly flawless relationship. Is it as perfect as it seems, or are there cracks on its diamond surface?

A recent conversation with Carey revealed that perhaps not all is well. I was walking down the sidewalk on a recent Monday when I saw Carey looking quite disheveled. Being the thoughtful, caring friend that I am, I asked her if everything was ok, and she said no.
“Oh Nathan,” she began tearfully, “It’s about church yesterday. You see, during service Seth didn’t rub my leg the entire span of the message, and I just couldn’t connect with God without his hand caressing my inner thigh and intertwining with my hand. I think something may be up.”

Obviously I was startled by this revelation. I decided to do a thorough follow up. The next opportunity I had, I questioned Seth to see if there was reason for this madness.
Seth came into my room the next day wearing his turquoise alpaca fur shirt (or whatever that is) and a bandana over his tangled blonde hair. Obviously a horrible attempt to look like a neo-manstic Christian who doesn’t need the world, I jokingly said that Halloween was two months ago. I quickly realized that he was serious, and I dropped the matter. I asked him why the uncaressed thigh, and I could tell I had struck gold.

“Well Nate, there’s someone else. There’s always been someone else. I may be courting Carey, but my heart belongs to Randy Harris. The problem is, Randy’s a celibate, so I have no chance with him, and lately it’s been hitting me harder than usual. I’d do anything for him!”

I pondered this and asked, “Would you hold a metal pipe for a specified period of time and not let it hit the ground if Randy told you to?”

“I’d smack the first person who tried to touch it in the face with it if he tried to stop me,” he responded proudly.”


˘˘True Story

Interesting. Well I wished Seth good luck, and now only time will tell if ACU’s favorite couple can survive the latest hardship that has floated to the surface.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Abrynnaline Defying Gravity

Turn up your volume and press play to fully enjoy the following roast. Listen and read.

Brynn smith, AKA Abrynnaline, Brynndi Doobi Doo, Fender Brynnder, or really whatever you want to call her lives life like a musical. I don't know if I've ever had a conversation with Brynn without her bursting into a song. She's like Krunk off of Emperor's New Groove humming her own theme music. I had the opportunity to watch her perform in a musical this past summer, and it was quite the show. I guess she thinks she's pretty hot stuff by the way she was shaking 'All That Jazz' on the stage in her voluptuous outfit. Her risque rolls didn't end their as she went on to perform as Rose in the musical 'Titanic' where, yes, she posed topless to allow Jack to paint her (sounds like the kind of thing Broom is in to), and she will be performing along side Keith as lead actress in Kelcie's upcoming musical about naked moonies. She's even dyed her hair red so as to match Keith.
You always know when Brynn arrives at the scene. Her presence is like a mixture of Red Bull and heroine, juicing the atmosphere into almost unbearable levels of hyperactivity. When asked why she seems to always be so animated she replied, "I just loooovveee ttoooooooo siiinngggggggggggggggg," finishing on a high G with a twenty second vibrato.
Though Brynn's life seems picture-perfect, all is not well upstairs if you know what I mean. Brynn has recently come forth admitting that she is receiving intensive rehab for her addiction to watching and posting youtube videos. I witnessed this addiction first hand when I went over to her house one afternoon and was forced to endure endless hours of Harry Potter musicals, Hook mashups, and homemade movies on youtube, only escaping by bashing her in the head with a bat as she was serenading people online with her Ukulele. During her intervention, which was aired on live television, her close friends were very supportive. Said Amara, "You make a great Peter Pan, but if I see this video one more time I'm gonna shoot myself." Things are looking bright though, as she has limited her youtube watching to only ten hours a day as opposed to the usual eighteen hours. Therapists are hoping to release her from the support home within the next four months.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Kason's Brother

If there's anybody who has some big shoes to fill, its Kason Hart's little brother. In a couple of years the royal throne for Galaxy will need a new ruler, and it's up to Kason's brother to uphold the family tradition and take the crown. But being Kason's brother isn't as easy as it sounds and the pressure has started to crack Kason's brother. Ever since call night Kason's brother has been trying to make a name for himself. He knows that if the crown is ever going to be his he has to be known by more than just 'Kason's brother.' He went all out during pledging, even taking a couple of leaves out of Ben Wiese's book about fratting hard. Nowadays you'd be hard pressed to catch Korey wearing anything but khakis and sperry's. Korey has set a world record for most consecutive days wearing the same pair of khakis with an impressive one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six days. And to top it off, you can smell his ten-year-old sperry's from a mile off. It might seem that the future crown is all but his, but there's so much more to Kason's rep that Korey has to live up to. Korey has been shooting 5,656 3-pointers everyday in hopes of someday balling as hard as Kason does. Someone's gotta lead the moonies to a championship.
I asked him about his strategies to rising to power and he said, "Bro, I'm just gonna keep working on my game." His next 3-pointer clanged off the rim and he shouted a mild profanity at the top of his lungs.

To better prep him for kingdomship, Korey has hired his roommate, Michael "Big Mike" Holeman as his personal trainer. "I've got Kason's brother on a tight program consisting of 5,656 pushups, situps, up-downs, layups, free-throws, and 3-pointers. We follow that up with a 56 minute jog. I've paired his workout with a strict Schlotzskis diet and a 10:00 bedtime."
Sounds like he's in good shape.

Korey does have a life outside the family monarchy. He also enjoys video games, especially Call of Duty. He used to play Halo, but apparently that was when he was gay. He told me this rather loudly. But secretly we all know its because he gets owned in Halo.

Well Korey if your reading this then I suggest you get off immediately and get back to work. That crown's not going to set itself on your head.

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: The Roast Before Christmas

Twas the roast before Christmas and all through the house;
Not a Creature was stirring, not even Macy McArthur!
Like a feral cat she pranced and she hissed,
Calling out for Ben Wiese, hoping for a kiss.
She sat on his lap, and purred with a smile,
Began using silly words like a 3-year old child.
"I wuv you! I wuv you!" she babbled and cooed.
One would think she drank milk from a bottle instead of solid food.
She nestled and snuggled and started to giggle,
Ben's beard was thick and boy did it tickle!
With eyes droopy and almost asleep,
Ben shrieked and Macy leapt to her feet.
Startled and frightened she scampered away,
And hid in her basket hoping for the next day.
For tonight was Christmas eve, and tomorrow she hoped,
For a new ball of yarn and to be petted and stroked.
She had better get her wish, or someone would die,
She can turn on a dime and gouge out your eyes.
She enjoys wearing the pants and whipping Ben into shape,
Don't mess with this Tigress, she'll devour you like a crepe.
But boys watch out when your drying off with a towell,
She'll sneak in your room with eyes wide as an owl.
But tonight this feral cat is drifting lazily to sleep,
So Merry Christmas to all and don't make a peep.

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me: Hehehe...

Yes, I know there's been some question about who the final roast would be about. I decided that it was only appropriate to roast my dear girlfriend Amara Childers. Now don't get to excited-- since she's my girlfriend I decided to only write sweet things about her.

Don't worry I'm just kidding.


Amara Amara... Amara has got to be the smartest illiterate person I've ever met. Seriously the girl's a genious. Shes pulling like a 3.95 or something in biology, and let me tell you folks, that's pretty impressive. I've seen some of her test reviews and they make me want to vomit. Yet for all of her brain mass, the most complex piece of literature she's ever read and understood is Jemimah Puddleduck, and even with that she only used cliff notes. Things aren't much different on the road either, whether I'm driving or she is. Everytime I climb into her car I feel like I'm gambling with my life. It's like those stoplights are just there for decoration. When I'm driving, Amara likes to pull her trademark move. She'll take out a bottle of water or some chapstick, and after she's done I'll ask if I can have some. She then proceeds to screw the lid back on and hand it to me as I'm battling through heavy traffic instead of leaving the lid off. If I had a dollar for every time I raised a bottle of water to my mouth and smacked my teeth with the lid...

Amara also has an interesting sense of fashion. You would never know if she was ever heading to a funeral because she dresses like she is at all times. Black shirt, black pants, black toenails are a must wherever she goes. Sometimes she likes to mix it up with a little charcoal action to keep things fresh. She fits right in with the gothic scene.

But I can't complain too much. Things are going great between us right now. She'll probably keep me around for oh... five or six more months and then she'll probably trade me in for a black boyfriend for the summer. It's kind of a pattern she likes to keep. I'm promise I'm not trying to be racist, it's just how she operates. Don't believe me? Check this out:





Here is the list of all the guys Amara has dated. I told you. She has trouble making up her mind, which is another thing you should know about Amara. I think having a black name is what causes her to go back and forth and back and forth. I should probably propose while I got her for the moment, because who knows who she's gonna date next. Joke... I'm not proposing anytime soon.

Well I think I better stop here. Lord knows I'm in a boatload of trouble after this roast. Umm Keith and Morgan... I might be third-wheeling on that double date we were planning.


But on a lighter note, it's been a joy roasting this holiday season. I know I left some of yall out, but honestly it's because I had nothing on you. If you really want to get roasted or know of anyone who desperately needs their chestnuts roasted, develop some obnoxious habit or give me some dirt on someone and I'll happily do another roast in the Spring. Even though the roasts are done, I'm going to continue blogging and I would encourage you all to follow!

Merry Christmas!

Some Like it Hot

It's hard to believe that today is my last day in Pod 2D. It sickens me to reflect on the semester and realize how it was literally yesterday that I was moving my stuff upstairs in the 100 degree heat. Man time flies! Although I rejoice at the semesters end, I mourn that this is my final day in dorm life. This semester has even competed with life on 3rd North. But all is not melancholy. I have 5 weeks until I fly off to Europe for 6 months. And next year, I'm gonna live in a house! Yep, myself, Bart, Keith, Chad, and Kay Why are gonna be house buddies. I am pretty excited about this, though I may have to cut down on Little Panda in order to pay rent.

My final week has been eventful. When I'm not trashing KY and Bart in Smash Bros., I've been studying and writing papers, just trying to finish out the semester strong. In a few hours I've got my dad's final. I'm not too worried, seeing as I get an automatic A for being his son. It's written somewhere in the syllabus I think. Last Friday, I was duped into entering a 'consumption challenge.' I put that in quotations because although it was a consumption challenge, I was not fully informed on all of the details of said challenge. My dear friend Chad, desperate as he was, beat around the bush and got me to agree to this. Being a good friend, I was like, sure of course I will! After I had sworn with my own blood, Chad informed me that I would be eating 12 Blazing Buffalo Wild Wings. Hmm. I don't know how much you know about Buffalo Wild Wings, but it's one of my favorite places. I love me some wings dipped in ranch. I also like my wings to have a good kick to em' too. I usually order my wings with the Hot sauce on them. The Hot level is pretty darn hot. It will get your sinuses running. Now, for you inexperienced Wingers, Hot is three levels below the hottest sauce. After hot comes Mango Habeñero, Wild, and then Blazing. At this point, I get this surge of anxiety. Let's break this down.

1. I'm a man. I can't back down from this!

2. I'm part Cajun. Our kind like it hot. I've been raised on spicy crawfish and File Gumbo my entire life! How can I let the Cajun Nation down??

3. I already agreed... I'd feel bad backing out now...

So I kept my word. Last Friday, I entered the Campus Center, and ate me some wings. Wing number one went ok. I definitely felt the kick-- this was one hot sucker. But it didn't destroy my mouth like I expected. With more confidence, I picked up wing number two. Now I had a strategy for this prestigious competition, and it was pacing. To my left, Jason Lutterloh was just going to town. But soon enough, he was out for the count. I couldn't see how the rest of the competition was faring, but I knew I had this cat beat. Wings 3 and 4 went down, and all of the sudden my predicament became clear. Fellas, I was in for one spicy ride. The heat was intense. I could literally feel the heat rising off of them. I got a bad case of the hiccups, my bodies way of trying to bargain with me about what I was doing. My mouth still isn't on speaking terms with me, and my digestion system is plotting mutiny of a horrible kind. At this point, it was do or die. The longer I waited, the longer the pain would be. So I dove in. Wing after wing after wing. They were quite tasty. Around wing ten or eleven, I managed to get sauce in my nose, which was hell. Finally I got to wing 12 and devoured it like a voracious cheetah devours its prey. I stood up to see if I won and...... got second place. Damned Asian kid beat me. I really wasn't surprised though. Those Asians can eat like Ghengis Khan is on their ass. It's nuts. You ever watch Kobiyashi in the hot dog eating contest? Dude can put down over 50 hotdogs, and he only weighs like 110 pounds or something like that. This kid was probably his son or something. But I was proud of second place. I felt like I held the family honor high, and I also got a free meal out of it. But dear baby Jesus, my face was melting. I got to my room and washed the sauce off, and my face was just beet red. It looked I had just gotten the worst sunburn of my life. That night when I took a shower, the hot water reactivated all the heat on my face, and it lit on fire again! And the next morning.... I won't go into details, but I disintegrated the toilet. And all for the sake of friendship. See if I ever be a good friend again.

And now for a sneak preview:

COMING DECEMBER 13, THE 12 ROASTS OF CHRISTMAS!

JOIN ME AND GET THE INSIDE SCOOP ON SETH'S BANDANA, WHAT KELCIE BROOM REALLY WANTS FOR CHRISTMAS, AND MUCH MUCH MORE!