The Roast of Barret Hall 2D

It's been awhile. The semester is almost up, which in turn means that I only have two and half weeks of dorm life left. This is exciting and kind of sad at the same time. I've had a blast living in the pod this year, and I will definitely miss it when I leave. Gosh this semester has flown by. It seems like yesterday Drew was getting busted for illegally living in the pod for a week. I've missed blogging terribly. Once pledging started, I didn't do much of anything except pledge and watch Dragonball Z. Blogging takes too much energy. Once pledging ended, it was tough getting back into the swing of things. But here I am, just typing away again. I didn't really know what to write about for this entry, so I decided to compile a list of the things I've learned this semester. Because that's what college is for. You come here to learn....

Lesson #1: Get to know your RA and RD before you start breaking rules.

Yah... we all found this one out the hard way *cough Drew cough*. My fellow podmates and I are what I like to call "boundary explorers". Some of us more than others, though I won't name any names. We've always been like this. I guess technically you could say that we like to break rules, but that makes it sound like were bad people. I like to think of it as we don't let rules enslave us. Anyways, a few things happened that kind of got us off to a rough start. First off, we arranged our furniture how we saw fit, but apparently there is a strict and stupid structure for every single grain of dust in Barret. Paul tore us a new one on the first morning when he walked in on move-in day and saw that the TV had been moved against another wall and the official Barret couch was stacked stadium-style on top of a table. I still don't really see what the big deal was and I think we were a little harshly treated by our 7:00 AM wake up call via cannons and trebuchets (Paul and Tommy's fists against our doors). But things worked out in the end. How could we not be mad at Tommy when he fully supported keith, kyle, barton, and myself getting curfew violations for going to a baptism? And one can only idolize Paul's destructive obsession with following rules. The highlights of our week our the encyclopedia's of new procedures and rules of Barret Hall. Something about being threatened with a $75 fine for forgetting to brush my teeth just really gets me excited about life.

Lesson #2: Drew is desperately terrified of sharp things I.E. knives, ninja stars, and machetes. Actually Drew is basically terrified of life.

This lesson has proved priceless, because Drew has this knack for hacking into our computers and controlling them. He thinks this is hilarious. It was kind of funny a year and a half ago, but even then it didn't get more than a chortle. However Drew still derives (calculus term for ya buddy) unfathomable joy from this little maneuver, and every chance he gets, he makes the best of it. But now us victims can fight back. A machete against his throat when he's asleep usually does the job quite nicely. The shower is also prime time for sneak attacks. He never sees it coming.

Lesson #3: Austin's Itunes is the perfect place to turn to in times of depression.

Everyone's been there. It's the point where life is just taking a dump on you, and you have no where to go. You reach this point where you just want to cry, and you don't even want to feel better. You start thinking of sad things to make yourself even more depressed, because in that masochist kind of way, it feels good. So where do you go? That's right: Austin's Itunes. You can always find a sad, emo, or sappy romantic song to just plunge your soul even deeper into the abyss of depression. I know when I'm sad I get his computer and blare some Never Shout Never, because sometimes "My heart's tied in a knot and my stomachs in a swirl."

Lesson #4: Rumors confirmed-Travis is indeed 80 years old.

We were all suspicious, but recent studies and detective work has revealed the truth. Travis is in fact an old man. Suspicions began when his bedtime slowly but surely trickled down to 8:00 PM every night. Things got even more obvious when he was waking up at 6:00 AM every morning. A huge piece of evidence that led to this conclusion was the fact that any noise above a whisper causes a serious disturbance in his equilibrium. Aware of the ever growing body of evidence against him, he began to fear that his secret would be discovered. On Halloween night, he tried to throw the investigators off the trail by dressing up as an old man. A clever plan, except that nobody even noticed a difference, and in fact asked why he didn't have a costume. His continued usage of jokes that makes one cringe at the level of corn involved was the final piece needed to solve the mystery.

Lesson #5: Nik has more game than any man at ACU.

Any single man reading this blog needs to take a couple of leaves from Nik's book. On arrival to the pod, we began noticing that the company Nik keeps was predominately female. Not just females, but some fairly attractive females. Jake and Travis, who prefer to shun women, were particularly flabbergasted. "What's a girl?" Jake retorted on his first encounter with this phenomenon. Any man would be proud to have a flock of lasses tailing him EVERYWHERE, but the story doesn't end there. The most amazing part about this whole shindig is that Nik has formed a deep and serious relationship with each of the 27 girls in his clique. But the story doesn't end there! Nik's game is so outstanding, that he's convinced every single one of his girlfriends to be ok with his multiple relationships. One might inquire as to how a man can fit time for 27 women. Nik again showed his genious by purposefull scheduling no classes, giving him all day to do absolutely nothing but mack on his ladies. I tip my hat to you sir.

Lesson #6: Gingers will become extinct in 100 years.

I wipe a torrent of tears from my eyes as I type this. But its true. In biology, I learned that in one hundred years, every single ginger will be dead. Gone. Deceased. Rotting. Keith Carroll took this news especially hard. He is painfully going through the stages of grieving. Denial hit hard and fast. He absolutely refused to believe that this tragedy would come to pass. He began to go into a fit of jibberish, always referring to his sticky boots, whatever the hell that means. I tried to explain to him that the world will one day just get sick and tired of waiting on him to put his freaking clothes on for dinner, and will leave him behind forever. If there's any hope though, it will be in his Carroll blood's freakish aptitude for reproducing like gerbils. Keith, you are the ginger's only hope.

Lesson #7: Barton is maybe, possibly, most likely, definitely, well IDK, doubtfully going to ATM next year.

Mr. Mahaffey has been probably but most likely never for sure going to ATM next year to pursue a degree in engineering. His assuredness at this plan has all of us a little sad (and my stomach's in a swirl......). How can we live without Bart Bart? I remember when he first said that he was definitely not going to ATM. I can't describe the emotion that filled my heart. The anxiousness at the fact that Barton may or may not leave us was almost more than I could bear. Since he was without a doubt leaving, I knew that I had better make my last few days with him worthwhile. I could finally rest east knowing that Barton was most likely going to stay at ACU. I guess we will all have to prepare for the worst since he is unsure about whether he'll stay at ACU or transfer to ATM. We will all most assuredly not maybe hopefully 100% never miss you. See ya next year!

Lesson #8: Jake Jake's knee is being attacked by aliens.

I've always wondered why jake's knee ails him so. It wasn't until yesterday that we discovered the miniscule, but viscous, army of extra-terrestrials that has been laying siege to his knee for the past 5 years. "It was like a light-bulb went off in my head," Drew exclaimed, "I always thought he was faking it, but it was those damned aliens." What made these aliens so hard to detect was due to their highly advanced active camouflage that they all wear. When Jake Jake went to get an MRI, the doctors nearly missed the devastating army. It was only when one of the buggar's sneezed, knocking off the invisibility for a mere second. That second was all the doctor needed to unlock the mystery. When asked about possible treatments, the doctor replied that there were none, and Jake Jake would have to wallow in his misery forever. He is currently being treated in The Little Spoon Rehabilitation Center for his Ibuprofen addiction.

I'd say its been a successful semester. I don't know if my brain can hold any more information. Until next time, good night.