A Bottle of Bordeaux

I haven't blogged in a long time. Deal with it. Tonight I am spending my last night in France. I've been visiting this wonderful country for a little over two weeks now. Cities such as Niort, La Rochelle, Blois, Marseille, and Clermont-Ferrand have all experienced my presence, but tonight, Lyon has the pleasure and honor of sending me away to my next adventure. France has been... excellent. I have a little rajun' cajun French blood running through my veins, and I've felt a desire for quite a while to explore the origins of some of my heritage. During my time here, I've seen some spectacular sites, breathtaking terrains, and a plethora of nationalities. But there has been bumps in the road, particularly the language barrier. I don't speak French. Je ne parle pas Française, désolé. My first couple of days were the roughest. The little city of Niort speaks about as much English as the adults from Charlie Brown. Ordering a slice of pizza was harder than convincing an ACU student to wait past the age of 20 to get married. Ok, it wasn't that hard, but you get the picture. To my utmost astonishment, I found myself today following rapid French conversations around a family dinner table. I cannot comprehend how I have managed to pick up so much French in such a short amount of time. Real talk, I have learned more French in two weeks than I learned Spanish in two years. It is incredible. But that's what happens when you listen to it for ten hours a day. I'm miles and miles away from mastering the language, obviously, but I'm astounded at how much I learned in such a short amount of time; in fact, I'm sad to leave because if I stayed longer, I could continue to learn French.

Besides the language, I've also enjoyed all of the history and scenery of France. The Chateau D'If in Marseille was an awesome experience. If 'Chateau D'If' doesn't ring any bells, then shame on you. I've also entered into some truly breath-taking cathedrals, read for hours in colorful gardens, and soaked up the sun on the beaches. And the food was okay, I guess ;)

But life in France is not always a walk in the park. To aid my fellow travelers, I've compiled my very own French survival guide. Who needs Rick Steves when you have me?

Nate's French Survival Guide

Survival Tip #1: The dreaded 'R.' It seems like every Romance language has that blasted trick that you have to grow up performing in order for it to be executed perfectly. Français is no exception. The 'R' is pronounced in the back of the throat, like your choking on Keith's burgers. The next time you feel a little apprehensive about attempting the French 'R,' just remember the last time you suffered from Bronchitis, and repeat the voracious noises that used to come out of your mouth then.

Survival Tip #2: Just eat it. Let's face it: France is known for having the best food in the world. Let's face it: You don't always know what your ordering in France. For the queasy stomach this can pose a problem. The good news is, even if your eating the ears and intestines of a pig, which I have, it's going to be the best meal you've ever had. So when in doubt, remember this catchphrase that I coined: "Ignorance is Bliss."

Survival Tip #3: We've all heard the stereotypes of the French people. They're rude, smelly, and proud. I can testify that none of these are true! Ok, maybe the gym in Clermont-Ferrand smelled like Franklin Middle School's locker room, but for everything else, I've found that you get what you give. Even in Paris, I had nothing but positive experiences.

Survival Tip #4: The French don't hate English. Yes, you read correctly. Let me explain: It is true that finding a soul who speaks English can be a challenge, especially in smaller French towns. One hears all kinds of reasons, for example, the French are too proud to speak English. This is false. The French like to pretend that they don't like English, kind of like Barton pretends to live in Abilene. It goes with their whole persona. In fact, the French LOVE speaking English, and they especially LOVE learning all of our ridiculous idioms. And I'm not being sarcastic.

Survival Tip #5: The Cigarette: This one is huge, so read carefully. Smoking cigarettes may be a common past time in America, but it's a full-contact sport in France. If you really want to experience the French culture, you have to have a cig in your mouth. What's that? You don't smoke? That's fine. You can pull a Will Smith: "Just bite it, it's for the look, I don't like it." Then your ready to get jiggy with it.

Survival Tip #6: Tahw Did Uoy Yas? If your confused, then you should be. So let's say that your hanging out with some hip young French people, and your trying to 'Be Cool.' Despite your heroic efforts though, you just can't succeed. The reason for your dismal failure is simple: Your not speaking the Inverse. As if French wasn't hard enough, there is a popular slang dialect called 'The Inverse,' where, you guessed it, they speak French backwards. Don't ask me why. I'm not making this up either. I about through the towel in on learning this French business when I heard about the inverse. So next time you find yourself shunned in a corner at a French party, just start saying words backwards. You'll be the coolest kid on the block in no time.

Survival Tip #7: Pronunciation. Pronouncing French words can be a daunting task. The trick to doing this is simple though. All you have to do is cut off the last 17 letters of a word, and you're pronouncing French. It makes sense, because now every words sounds exactly like the other. For instance, the words for 'water,' 'high,' and 'where,' all sound almost identical. Tired? Yah me too.

Survival Tip #8: Eat a snack. Because you won't be eating dinner until nine or ten. It's a far cry from the five o'clock rush to the Bean as soon as it opens. This definitely took time to get adjusted to. But usually the wait is well worth it, as the food is always magnifique.

Survival Tip #9: Don't stare at the wine like an idiot. At some point or another, you'll end up in a bougeoui restaurant, and your waiter is going to pour a little bit of wine into one glass. If your like my friends and I the first time this happened, we just kind of stared at the waiter, until we figured out that we were supposed to sample it before he poured the rest of the glasses. So when this happens, sip it, smile and say, "C'est bon."

Survival Tip #10: Pucker up. The French are an intimate people, and if you intend to make some French friends, then your going to have learn "Le Bis." Le Bis is the famous double European kiss. There's no getting around it. It's better to be prepared, because it just happens out of no where. This will save you the awkward moment of trying to disguise your handshake as a suave dance move as your new friend leans in for Le Bis. If you are in a large group going to meet another large group, I would suggest bringing some reading material. Greetings can take a long time, like convincing Drew that making the Highland Power-Points is not actually cool.

Well there you have it. I hope that you will find this helpful on your next trip to the land of Baguettes and Fromages.

Until next time.

P.S. Survival Tip #11: Don't let Tahiry, or any other Razafimanjato teach you French. They will just laugh at you.