The 1st Roast of Christmas: Lincoln Woods

Lincoln Woods, also known as Nathan 2.0, arrived in Abilene around a year ago. As I vacated my dorm room, there he was lined up to take my spot. From the word go, Lincoln just couldn't wait to introduce Lene-Town to all of his San Antonio swag. Hailing all the way from Boerne, Texas, It would be an understatement to say Lincoln ran that town like a god. One of his greatest attributes is his humility, and because of this he didn't even want to leave Boerne, stating that he didn't know what the poor city would do without him. After ensuring that a statue of himself was built to immortalize his legend, he finally turned away, sad, but excited about establishing himself in a new town.

From his body to his dance moves, you be hard pressed to deny Lincoln's incredible presence. If you haven't seen his breath-taking dance moves, you only have to observe him for a mere five seconds before you will undoubtedly witness awesome incarnate. Even LMFAO regards his shuffles with pure jealousy.

Art students last semester all had the privilege of viewing his chiseled body. Lincoln, not wanting to deprive anyone of his marble abs, quickly signed up to be a model. He didn't have to try too hard to gain this prestigious job: the art department practically begged him. And who could blame him? Sadly he chose not to take up his position this semester, stating that it was his fault for the alarming spike in failing grades in female art students. Apparently they just couldn't stop eye-goggling his pecs, and failed to turn in a single project. When asked about his, Lincoln shrugged his shoulders and said, "I-I-I work out."

Lincoln has made his presence known in many many other ways. Since everyone already thought he was the coolest and suavest man on campus, he decided to make himself more accessible by really taking control of the social world. Ever find yourself alone at your house? Don't worry, there's a good chance he'll just stroll on in uninvited to cheer you up! How convenient is that? You don't even have to ask him! The social network Twitter has also reaped the benefits of Mr. Lincoln Woods, and the ACU student body is very thankful that they can check twitter every two seconds for a new update on Lincoln's extraordinary life.

I must sadly end this on a more melancholy note. This year, it seemed as if every woman on campus had Lincoln on her Christmas list. I'm sad to break the news that Lincoln is no longer a bachelor, but is in an incredible relationship with Miss Laura Quile. Thankfully, if you haven't heard enough about it, you can simply follow him on twitter to learn all about it!

Until tomorrow,

Ca$hlock